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Entry tags:
[fic]
Summary: Set during 3x22. Partly based speculation, but I am 95% sure that Jeremy texted Evil!Ric w/ the actual details and that's how he knew where to go even if the show was really fail at showing it, but the synopsis said Jeremy'd make a choice that changes everything/has heartbreaking consequences and... that's the only way that'd make sense. I reject this episode and the rest of TVD at this point. Just wanted to deal with some feels.
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Jeremy heads back into the room- the room that Elena hates and that he hates to tell her to not stay up too late.
He can help her paint it more tomorrow. It can be some kind of family thing.
They may have lost all their family
but they still have each other.
It's what he is thinking when he steps into the room only to see her passed out on the floor, blood under her head. Terror grips him first, and he is frozen unable to react for a moment before he pushes himself forward.
"Elena?"
He runs to her, swallowing back bile as he pulls her to him, holding her much like she held on to him after he was dead though he has no memory of this. He tightens his arms around her like that will bring her back before he remembers- His hands are shaking as he rests his palm against the side of her face, searching for a pulse.
"Please, please."
His eyes burn, and his chest aches, and he swears his heart is going to explode when he feels it. The pulse- her pulse. It's there under his fingers, and he can't-- can't breathe through the feeling in his chest like tiny shards of glass.
He wipes tears from his face that no one will ever know fell, because he has to be strong. He has to take care of her like she's always taken care of him. Jeremy has to keep her safe, because she's all he has left and he can't-
With shaky hands, he calls for an ambulance without thinking about anything other than the fact that he can't- can't lose her too. He can't lose her.
Jeremy reaches for her hand. "Stay with me, please," he says, and his voice is low, thready, aching. It sounds too much like the boy that asked her to Make it stop.
It never did stop so he should have known, she'd never stay.
How stupid he must seem to anyone who could see it all, if there was a God, he's look like an idiot, a little boy asking for all these things that no one can guarantee.
------------------------
He used to have nightmares about it.
Sometimes even when he was in Denver, he'd have nightmares about it.
In them, he'd wake up to a line of coffins and a row of headstones
Listed on them was every name of every person he has ever cared about and in each coffin was their body, cold, unresponsive.
Gone.
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It takes him a moment.
Alaric appears in front of him, and his first thought is it's not Alaric at all but the vampire that has been masquerading as him all this time. It kills Jeremy more than anything else to think of how Ric would feel if he had any idea what his body was doing, and Jeremy hopes he doesn't know, that he's moved on and with Jenna somewhere, with his parents, with Anna and her mother and Vicki. He deserves to have peace.
It doesn't occur to him that it's actually Ric standing in the hallway, that he's a ghost until he speaks.
There's shock, and there's something- something in the back of his head that he is refusing to acknowledge, there's something else that his brain cannot and refuses to process as he stares at him. It's Ric, and they already said their goodbyes so why doesn't he move on? Like everyone else, like everyone else has to and does because they're at peace and he doesn't want to be what keeps anyone here.
"I just want you to know that I will always be here to look after you, Jeremy," Ric says, and Jeremy's hearing him but there's still those wheels turning in the back of his head. "You'll never be alone, okay?"
There's this sinking, sickening feeling right before it clicks. "...if you're dead, it means Elena..."
It clicks in like something slow and weighted in his head, like something finally splintering apart and he can't catch up. He can't. He's waiting. He's seeing her at his door. He's hugging her after she was kidnapped but returned. He's yelling at her again. He's giving her attitude, and she's rolling her eyes or hitting him with a pillow. He's a young child and she's helping him tie his shoes. She's walking into the boys bathroom and telling him to stop doing drugs. She's trying to control him again, lecturing him. Anything- anything but this.
He shakes his head over and over, tears flooding his eyes. "No, no, no!" The shouting happens quickly, and his vision blurs to the point he doesn't see if Ric's still standing there. "That's not- she was going away so she could be safe. Matt was driving her away so she wouldn't get hurt anymore, so she wouldn't die anymore, she can't be-" dead, and it's his fault and-
Oh God. Matt too.
He couldn't get a hold of him at all on the phone. Did he-- and with Klaus dead, it means Tyler and maybe Caroline too. His vision swims out of focus again. The world spins, and he feels sick as he grips hold of the wall, trying to breathe through the fire in his chest.
One decision. One choice or a number of them.
You'd think it would be simple. You'd think when you wanted to protect someone, you would be able to do so. You'd think that something in this fucking town would go right for a change, and it wouldn't be another, swifter guarantee for death. Alaric never wanted any of this. How could- how can he be looking at him like that now? After what Jeremy did?
God, Elena.
"No, please."
He was saying that earlier today. Why does he keep asking for things? Why does he keep begging? It's so pathetic and pointless.
Jeremy stumbles and turns from Ric, and he can't focus, can't think straight. It's impossible to with the flood of grief rising up into his throat and strangling him. When he manages words, they come out twisted.
"Go away, Ric. Just go- go away," he says, stumbling into the bathroom and puking into it util his throat feels raw, tears burning in his eyes and he tries to swallow back the sob but he doesn't know why. There's no one left to be strong for. He doesn't want Ric to see him like this when he's supposed to be- supposed to be stronger than this, supposed to be the man of the house, but there's no fucking house left. It's just him. He doesn't want-- knows that eventually everyone leaves, even the ghosts leave.
Anna left, because it wasn't him she cared about as much as her mother and he gets that. Family comes first. Elena is-- was (andgodthatslike fire to think of) first for him.
"I'm sorry." He doesn't know who he is apologizing to. His sister first, first and foremost. All of it was to protect her, it all went to hell and everyone died and no one was protected. Sorry to Matt, sorry to Tyler, sorry to Caroline, sorry to Bonnie, sorrysorrysorry.
But the truth is he is alone. No family left. He doesn't want any more promises. He doesn't want anything from anyone. He just wants to die too. Is that so much to ask for? Even the grief he feels for his sister feels selfish, she won't have to be hurt and abused and to lose anymore and to be at peace, but he just wants her here with him. Jeremy rips the ring from his finger, throwing it into the bathtub. The sound of it hitting reverberates through the tiny bathroom as if a reminder. It's just him in a very empty house with a ghost... and... and so many ghosts.
"Jeremy..."
"Ric, please." It sounds angry, only half as angry as he feels at everything in his life. It sounds pained and hoarse and half a yell of anger and grief until it becomes something quieter. "Don't stay for me."
I'm not worth it. "Don't stay." God, don't leave me alone.
Jeremy is here, and his sister is-- she's dead, and the pain rips through him like nothing else ever has and the only thing he wants is to join her, to join his aunt, to join his parents, his uncle, his teacher, his friends.
To not be the only one left.
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Jeremy heads back into the room- the room that Elena hates and that he hates to tell her to not stay up too late.
He can help her paint it more tomorrow. It can be some kind of family thing.
They may have lost all their family
but they still have each other.
It's what he is thinking when he steps into the room only to see her passed out on the floor, blood under her head. Terror grips him first, and he is frozen unable to react for a moment before he pushes himself forward.
"Elena?"
He runs to her, swallowing back bile as he pulls her to him, holding her much like she held on to him after he was dead though he has no memory of this. He tightens his arms around her like that will bring her back before he remembers- His hands are shaking as he rests his palm against the side of her face, searching for a pulse.
"Please, please."
His eyes burn, and his chest aches, and he swears his heart is going to explode when he feels it. The pulse- her pulse. It's there under his fingers, and he can't-- can't breathe through the feeling in his chest like tiny shards of glass.
He wipes tears from his face that no one will ever know fell, because he has to be strong. He has to take care of her like she's always taken care of him. Jeremy has to keep her safe, because she's all he has left and he can't-
With shaky hands, he calls for an ambulance without thinking about anything other than the fact that he can't- can't lose her too. He can't lose her.
Jeremy reaches for her hand. "Stay with me, please," he says, and his voice is low, thready, aching. It sounds too much like the boy that asked her to Make it stop.
It never did stop so he should have known, she'd never stay.
How stupid he must seem to anyone who could see it all, if there was a God, he's look like an idiot, a little boy asking for all these things that no one can guarantee.
------------------------
He used to have nightmares about it.
Sometimes even when he was in Denver, he'd have nightmares about it.
In them, he'd wake up to a line of coffins and a row of headstones
Listed on them was every name of every person he has ever cared about and in each coffin was their body, cold, unresponsive.
Gone.
--------
It takes him a moment.
Alaric appears in front of him, and his first thought is it's not Alaric at all but the vampire that has been masquerading as him all this time. It kills Jeremy more than anything else to think of how Ric would feel if he had any idea what his body was doing, and Jeremy hopes he doesn't know, that he's moved on and with Jenna somewhere, with his parents, with Anna and her mother and Vicki. He deserves to have peace.
It doesn't occur to him that it's actually Ric standing in the hallway, that he's a ghost until he speaks.
There's shock, and there's something- something in the back of his head that he is refusing to acknowledge, there's something else that his brain cannot and refuses to process as he stares at him. It's Ric, and they already said their goodbyes so why doesn't he move on? Like everyone else, like everyone else has to and does because they're at peace and he doesn't want to be what keeps anyone here.
"I just want you to know that I will always be here to look after you, Jeremy," Ric says, and Jeremy's hearing him but there's still those wheels turning in the back of his head. "You'll never be alone, okay?"
There's this sinking, sickening feeling right before it clicks. "...if you're dead, it means Elena..."
It clicks in like something slow and weighted in his head, like something finally splintering apart and he can't catch up. He can't. He's waiting. He's seeing her at his door. He's hugging her after she was kidnapped but returned. He's yelling at her again. He's giving her attitude, and she's rolling her eyes or hitting him with a pillow. He's a young child and she's helping him tie his shoes. She's walking into the boys bathroom and telling him to stop doing drugs. She's trying to control him again, lecturing him. Anything- anything but this.
He shakes his head over and over, tears flooding his eyes. "No, no, no!" The shouting happens quickly, and his vision blurs to the point he doesn't see if Ric's still standing there. "That's not- she was going away so she could be safe. Matt was driving her away so she wouldn't get hurt anymore, so she wouldn't die anymore, she can't be-" dead, and it's his fault and-
Oh God. Matt too.
He couldn't get a hold of him at all on the phone. Did he-- and with Klaus dead, it means Tyler and maybe Caroline too. His vision swims out of focus again. The world spins, and he feels sick as he grips hold of the wall, trying to breathe through the fire in his chest.
One decision. One choice or a number of them.
You'd think it would be simple. You'd think when you wanted to protect someone, you would be able to do so. You'd think that something in this fucking town would go right for a change, and it wouldn't be another, swifter guarantee for death. Alaric never wanted any of this. How could- how can he be looking at him like that now? After what Jeremy did?
God, Elena.
"No, please."
He was saying that earlier today. Why does he keep asking for things? Why does he keep begging? It's so pathetic and pointless.
Jeremy stumbles and turns from Ric, and he can't focus, can't think straight. It's impossible to with the flood of grief rising up into his throat and strangling him. When he manages words, they come out twisted.
"Go away, Ric. Just go- go away," he says, stumbling into the bathroom and puking into it util his throat feels raw, tears burning in his eyes and he tries to swallow back the sob but he doesn't know why. There's no one left to be strong for. He doesn't want Ric to see him like this when he's supposed to be- supposed to be stronger than this, supposed to be the man of the house, but there's no fucking house left. It's just him. He doesn't want-- knows that eventually everyone leaves, even the ghosts leave.
Anna left, because it wasn't him she cared about as much as her mother and he gets that. Family comes first. Elena is-- was (andgodthatslike fire to think of) first for him.
"I'm sorry." He doesn't know who he is apologizing to. His sister first, first and foremost. All of it was to protect her, it all went to hell and everyone died and no one was protected. Sorry to Matt, sorry to Tyler, sorry to Caroline, sorry to Bonnie, sorrysorrysorry.
But the truth is he is alone. No family left. He doesn't want any more promises. He doesn't want anything from anyone. He just wants to die too. Is that so much to ask for? Even the grief he feels for his sister feels selfish, she won't have to be hurt and abused and to lose anymore and to be at peace, but he just wants her here with him. Jeremy rips the ring from his finger, throwing it into the bathtub. The sound of it hitting reverberates through the tiny bathroom as if a reminder. It's just him in a very empty house with a ghost... and... and so many ghosts.
"Jeremy..."
"Ric, please." It sounds angry, only half as angry as he feels at everything in his life. It sounds pained and hoarse and half a yell of anger and grief until it becomes something quieter. "Don't stay for me."
I'm not worth it. "Don't stay." God, don't leave me alone.
Jeremy is here, and his sister is-- she's dead, and the pain rips through him like nothing else ever has and the only thing he wants is to join her, to join his aunt, to join his parents, his uncle, his teacher, his friends.
To not be the only one left.