[And she nods, because she didn't expect him to keep this from Damon or Elena, and she wouldn't want him to. There's a small corner of her chest that clenches, that remembers this is her father, questionable choices or not, but it is what it is.
They're not on the same side.]
It doesn't hurt me. [That's not even really a lie. She's being very honest with him. The sadness and the heaviness and everything about tonight has been for other reasons. When it comes to his leaving, when it comes to being on her own, she just feels numb about it. There's no active hurt.]
I don't think I feel anything about it anymore. I don't know if it's a good thing or not.
[She looks down at their hands, and she squeezes his own back before she opens her palm against his, splaying their fingers together.]
Yeah, free room and board sounds good and I like it there as it is. I only really need somewhere to sleep.
[There's a small pause at what he says, and Sarah turns to him.
There's surprise, and she doesn't know why, only that there is. She stays silent initially, looking at the space between them, but when she gazes up at him, there's the tiniest smile, but it's warm.]
Jeremy. [The fondness is unmistakable in her voice.] You live with at least five people. Does Martha let you ask people to move in for days at a time at random?
[Jeremy feels like he understands as well as he can, but he knows that there are parts of it that she cannot express fully, parts of it that he will never be able to handle.
He remembers everything that she has told him about what it’s like to be an angel, how it feels. Jeremy remembers her telling him what it’s like, that it’s like living with a shadow across the pavement. He can see it, see the differences between when the angel is very strong and when it’s more Sarah.
Even before she explained it to him, Jeremy recognized it, recognized when he found her on the street.
He didn’t need to read any textbook to understand how dangerous it could be, how hard it was on her, on her mind and her body.
It was written all over her, and he knew her well enough to tell. Jeremy thinks a part of him knew long before it, but he refused to acknowledge it.]
I don’t know. I’d rather have no dreams at all, but I kind of got used to them? So they bother me when I’m having them, but it… doesn’t really last after that. It’s like having a nightmare about anything. [And there is plenty in his life to have nightmares about. There are endless memories that can and do occur to him while he sleeps, making that sleep restless.] …what?
[Jeremy sees that concerned look, wonders what she’s thinking about. But he is okay at the end of the day. He’s alright. Jeremy died, but he’s alive now and he has purpose here. More than that, none of them are really supposed to be in Chicago, none of the wanderers. In that way, he can’t really feel like… like he doesn’t fit or shouldn’t be here, not any more than anyone else.
Sometimes he wonders why he’s still alive, but it makes it easier not being in Mystic Falls.] Yeah, I remember. Still… I don’t like it when you hurt. Even knowing… it’s something that happens. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
[There is so much that he and his sister have been through. They’ve lost so much. They’ve seen so much, and they have had to deal with things that are so much bigger than them. His sister has especially been through so much, and Jeremy had been angry at her for decisions she’d made for him.
But he no longer feels that anger, surrounded by so much, they make the choices that they can make. They do the best, but they’re bound to make mistakes, and Jeremy understands that now. He’s grown up to the point where he can understand it, and Jeremy can’t blame her for those actions anymore.
He’s forgiven her, and they have a better relationship now where they have trust, where they’re open and communicating with each other.
Jeremy knows he can come to Sarah with anything and everything, and he trusts her completely. He knows if there was anyone that could help him with this, it’d be her, not because of her connection with the dead but because of her, because of who she is.]
Yeah, it’s pretty terrible… and he was different back then so. [so he wasn’t a psychotic asshole. Whoever he was, it’s not something anyone deserves.] Yeah, I don’t… think you can. Even then, I don’t know if it works.
[FWAUGH, Elena. ;_; Jeremy will never forget Damon carrying her dead body either even if he knew that she should come back, that the spell should work. He didn’t know for sure until she took that breath, and the relief could flood through him again.]
They’re a lot cooler. I’d rather learn how to use those anyway.
[Jeremy smiles back at her, looking at her fondly.
He looks over at her when she looks up at the ceiling, and he look at her in turn.] Definitive is… at least you don’t have to… deal with that anymore. [It’s some small silver lining in a whole very dark situation that he hates, that angers him too.
It’s her father, and it means something. He should be on her side. Jeremy’s parents were always on his side even if he lost them far too early.
There’s no judgment when she says that it doesn’t hurt her. Jeremy looks at her with concern, but he doesn’t know if it is a good or a bad thing. He really doesn’t. There are times that he’s felt numb and then he’s felt it all, it’s all piled up and shoved itself into him later.]
I don’t know either. …I think you can’t force yourself to feel something, and sometimes you have to be numb to it before you can even react.
[Jeremy presses his hand against hers and nods in answer. A small smile is on his face, and he thought she’d move there.]
Yeah, guess at the end of the day, it’s all you really need. Somewhere to sleep, somewhere that’s… safe. Minus the ghosts, but only the nice ones are left last I heard.
[He is watching her reaction carefully.
Because he has been thinking about it ever since she showed up at his window not long ago. It’s why he already asked Martha at least about it, because he can’t think of anything better than spending as much time before Christmas with her as possible.]
Sarah. [Jeremy smiles at her, laughing at the question.] Yeah, I already asked Martha. If you want me to put out a poll instead, I could… but I promise you it’d be okay.
[And he shouldn't have to handle them. She wouldn't want him to.
Aside from that night Elizabeth and Josef died, when the Calling's near a reset, Sarah is aware enough to avoid people when it gets really bad, or there's just so much exhaustion she sleeps it off anyway. It has nothing to do with not wanting help or not trusting or any of that.
It's just too much for any one person.
She thinks most angels and demons do something similar unless the Calling forces you outside, forces you to find a victim.
You have to protect the people you care about.
Even if that sometimes means protecting them from yourself. Especially then.]
Yeah, that makes sense. It does. I'm still hoping we can find a way that you don't... get to have them that much anymore, if at all. [And she glances up at him, surprised by his question, the way he asks it, and shakes her head, almost smiling at him guiltily.] Nothing. I was just trying to piece everything together.
[She's thinking about a lot of things but until she can put them together in a manner that remotely resembles something cohesive, they're just things she's trying to piece together. If there's something she thinks will help, she'll tell him.]
If it helps, I'm pissed, too? [... Sarah, that is not helpful :|
But no, she is. Pissed at Damon for snapping his neck, pissed teenagers like Jeremy and Elizabeth get shot and killed and they're not even to blame for why those guns are charging forward in the first place, pissed at the world for being as sucky as it can be sometimes.
Pissed that she can still feel like sometimes it's so pointless when it ends doomed, when it ends in death and madness, and she just read a book about all the reasons why it's not pointless and she believes that.]
That's kind of scary. How much someone, anyone can change, depending on the circumstances you're given. [No one's born with evil or hate inside of them. It's made. Made by the world, or made by whatever reasons but it's something that turns you into someone unrecognizable.
She wonders if that could ever happen to her. She secretly thinks it could.
When she hates, she hates.]
Me too. I took fencing lessons but that was... a really long time ago.
[She tilts her head as if thinking back, because fencing is a thing amongst trust fund babies, don't you know, and while she hated everything trust fund baby, she kind of liked those, and then she smiles back at him, just as fondly.
Sarah bites the insides of her cheeks and nods at him, looking up at the ceiling still because there's that feeling like there are needles in her throat. He's right and she knows it, and he lost his parents so there's no way that he can't understand what it's like to have that absence of both.] I know. I just.
[And she hates what she's about to say, what it sounds like why am i so easy to leave behind?, it's so teenager and emo but.] It was so easy for him.
[It's when he answers her that she turns sideways again to face him.] I think so. I mean, I know somewhere deep down I'm sad and angry about it, I just... can't bring myself to feel it.
[Sarah also can't quite bring herself to smile back, but her expression toward him, aimed at him, is warm. It was the first place she thought of moving. It means more people, a lot more people, people that die and go missing all the time but Charlie's there and they can do good and that's
It's comforting. It is. She wants to do good. She does.]
Guess so. And hey, there's a lot of morbid, interesting, strange conversations I can have with ghosts. They'll be my minions before you know it.
[She's not serious. Not... really.
Sarah swallows past that still-there-feeling. Needles in her throat. But it breaks into a smile, a genuine, warm, almost bright smile when he says her name like that.]
Okay. [Quiet, but so earnest. She'll stay with him for Christmas. What was left of her family is long gone now but she can spend it with him and his.
She's not alone, and he always reminds her of the fact.]
[It doesn’t stop Jeremy from wanting to help even if he would understand the reasoning behind trying to keep him from it.
Jeremy would be more than happy being there with her every time that she needed it, every time that she was similar to what he was when she wandered the street. He would want to be there with her to remind her of Sarah, to hold her while he slept as if that would keep her in place, as if that would keep her with him.
He would want to do that for her.
He would want it more than he can really express, but if he were in her position, he’d likely do the very same.
Jeremy would avoid people when he was in that state, but he would want to stay with her, he would want to reach out to her. He wouldn’t want her to protect him from herself.
But he understands the need, the desire, the want for it.]
I hope we can too. I mean I’d like to avoid it if at all possible, but there’s… I think that they happen if you build up a lot of memories like that. It might be unavoidable, I don’t know. [He shakes his head, looking over at her, noting the surprise on her face. He smiles back at her.] Oh, okay. If you get any ideas, you should let me know. I appreciate your opinion.
[And he knows that she would. There aren’t secrets between them, and there never will be. He trusts her, and she trusts him too. They’re best friends first, and they always look out for each other first, which makes all the difference. He’s never had a relationship like this one before. Vicki was barely a relationship based on sex and drugs. Anna started out being about betrayal and using each other. Bonnie, he was the kid brother who suddenly got hot to her.]
I… don’t know if that really helps? [And he laughs a little, tilting his head as he look at her.] I don’t like when you’re angry either especially cause of me. There’s enough to be angry at, but I know… why you would be.
It makes me angry too.
[All of it. There’s so much to be pissed about, and the list is endless. He used to be so angry, all the time. He could feel empty and angry at the same time, and it wouldn’t really seem to end, because he found one thing after another to hate, to be angry about.
He still gets pissed sometimes. Ahem, if his fight with Carter says anything, he gets more than pissed sometimes, at the unfairness of it all, but he’s still here.]
…yeah, it really is scary. It’s life, I guess, but I hate that so much of someone can change because of what’s going on around them. I’ve heard people say that before about Chicago, how it changes you. [You live long enough in Chicago to die or to become insane. It’s really scary to think about, but he can’t hep thinking about it.
No one can really.]
Did you? That kind of sounds like it could be fun, actually fun.
[The expression on her face has him smiling back at her. He ducks his head for a moment before he meets her gaze again, fond smile on his face.
Jeremy looks at her. His hand rests against her stomach as she lies down against the back of the bed. He knows what it’s like to not have his parents, it’s true, but he is grateful that he got to know them both and they got to know him too and show how much they loved him all the time. It’s something Sarah never got, and he knows that’s something he couldn’t understand.
He’s quiet as he waits for her to respond, and he closes his eyes at what she ays. It doesn’t sound teenager to him, not for a moment. Jeremy shifts until he’s lying beside her but over her so he’s looking down at her while she looks up..] …it shouldn’t have been. If he knew you, if he was any kind of father, it couldn’t have been. You are amazing.
[ His hand slides across her face, and he knows that this doesn’t fix anything. It’s her father. He should love her and know her. She isn’t easy to leave behind, never.] Maybe you will at some point, but it’s… okay you don’t feel it yet.
[It’s okay, and someday she will, but she doesn’t have to right now. He spent so much time numb that he’ll never try to make someone else try to feel something before they’re ready to do it.
She does do good. Jeremy is card of her moving into the Tower, much as he figured she would, but she already does good and she’ll do more.]
If anyone could have a bunch of minions, it’d be you.
[Minions of the ghosts or anything else, but he’s smirking at her since obviously she wouldn’t have actual minions.
He breaks into a smile of his own that matches hers when she gives it to him, and Jeremy leans in to press a kiss against her lips. It’s the best Christmas gift for him, and he’l be happy to have her.]
Okay. [Jeremy says in agreement and then he looks sideways at her, shaking his head.]
You don’t have to thank me. All sorts of things go hand in hand with loving and knowing you.
[ Jeremy already helps in so many different ways, more than she can say.
And since the night Elizabeth and Josef died, it honestly hasn't gotten anywhere near that bad, anywhere near that close of a call. He took care of her, went to lengths to get her address to check up on her even before they became as close as they did. And she'll never forget that, how he and Martha and Elena looked after her.
Without having that, if she'd have just stayed in this empty house by herself instead, she doesn't know what would've happened.
Doesn't really want to imagine it, either.
She's been able to pull through from that experience, and it's been in large part because of him, because of how he understands, doesn't judge or expect her to be someone she's not. ]
I know. I mean, I've had bad dreams of my own since... you know. Maybe it's something we can only finish dealing with subconsciously, while the rest of us moves on. I can't really be sure. [ Sarah smiles back at him, a hand over his heart. ] I will get back to you. We'll figure this out, Jeremy, if there's something to figure out.
[ Maybe it really is what he says. Just so much bad stuff happening his brain still needs to process. Maybe it's his being brought back twice and falling through the Rift so shortly after. There's no way to be sure but she won't leave him alone with it. The love she feels for him stems beyond the platonic but being his best friend always comes first to that.
Because even then she knew that he needed that more. The way she needed it more, too.
A friend. A constant. ]
Oh. Then never mind. [ She wrinkles her nose, but she grins a little when he laughs, since she likes hearing him laugh. Life can such a lot of the time--okay, most of the time--but they should get to laugh. ] Hey, you've been angry on my behalf plenty of times. Just consider this the tipping of the scales.
[ But she knows what he means, and she's not going to do anything impulsive or rash about it, will try very hard not to. She just can't help it, either.
And she looks up at him when he agrees it makes him angry also, and she steps forward again, small arms winding around his middle for a tight hug. She's seen firsthand the anger, what it can lead to, what it means for him, but she's still here, too. It's okay to be angry sometimes, she said to him once, unless it consumes.
She still needs her anger. ]
I've heard that, too. I've seen it but it never really gets easier. It doesn't always change you for worse, though. I've seen a lot of people become stronger, too. [ It comes at a very heavy price but she wants to believe not all the changes can lead down that road, doesn't want to think of any of them becoming someone they wouldn't recognize.
Becoming the monsters that sometimes win. ]
I did. I could give you lessons sometime. It's not always you're going to get a girl offering to teach you about big swords, Jeremy.
[ She is clearly still teasing, because she likes that fond smile on his face, the way he ducks his head sometimes, still capable of the emotion that leads to the gesture.
Sarah releases a breath, turning sideways to face him, a hand slipping to rest over his at her stomach. On the same vein, she couldn't understand exactly his kind of loss. To get to know his parents, to have that relationship with them, and then lose them. But a loss is a loss, and they don't have to experience the exact same things to be understanding, to not be alone with it.
She is still looking up, over at the collage, but once he blocks it from view, she's looking right up at him, and swallows. The words reach her, right in the chest, and she places her hands on either of his arms while he's above her. ]
We've talked about this. You're my best friend. You kind of have to say these things.
[ But they stay with her, the words, and she smiles at him, a little bit vulnerably, before she leans up to him to rest her mouth against his.
And maybe she will. Maybe it'll remain in that icy part of her that doesn't do anything but give to the coldness, or maybe it'll all come to a head. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise right now that she can't. She does know if anything does happen, she can come to him. She always seems to. ]
It is one of my many talents. Just don't go around telling anyone, least of all those that already live there. I would like the element of surprise.
[ Sarah levels a smirk right back at him, but it shifts quickly into a smile when he returns it so earnestly. She leans in when he does, hands framing either side of his face to kiss him back. When it ends, she remains close enough to rest her forehead against his, and it hits her. ]
I love you. Too. [ Her fingers gently trace his mouth after he's kissed her.
He'd said it before and in her concern over making sure Jeremy was okay, she hadn't stopped long enough to say it back. And she knows she doesn't need to do that, either, but she wants to, because it's true. Amidst many things she knows aren't real, aren't true, there's that one truth and she holds onto it. For as long as she can, for as long as she's allowed. ]
And I know I don't have to but I want to. Most of all, I'm just... grateful I get to stay.
[Jeremy knows that he does help, and he’s glad that he does, because he love her and he wants to be able to help her if he can.
She needed help at that time, and he’s glad that he didn’t wait around, that he went and broke into the school records to find her address. Somehow without knowing, he knew. Maybe it was just his habit of jumping to the worst conclusions, because the worst conclusions tended to be right. He knew that something had happened, and there was really nowhere else in Chicago that he should be.
He didn’t waste any time after that, and he found her on the street and then took her back to his home as soon as he could.
Jeremy still remembers what it was like to find her there. He’ll never forget. It’ll stay with him.]
Yeah, I know. I think it’s just something that happens maybe even after you’ve dealt with it. It’s your brains way of… processing everything while your body rests. I don’t really know either. [Jeremy admits though he smiles back at her, slipping his own hand over the hand of hers that rests against his heart.] Got it. You’re right. We will figure it out.
[If there’s anything to figure out. Either that or it will pop up when they all least expect it, the answers, the truth to whatever it is and whatever it means. There’s not a lot that they can do about it right now though when it’s just dream and this sometimes feeling of offness.
They won’t leave each other alone with anything, not through whatever comes ahead and there’s no way to tell now what will come ahead.
But a friend, a constant. There’s the something more, but that’s not what it’s all based on and that makes such a difference.
And he laughs gently at the nose wrinkling.] It’s cool. I mean I want you to be honest about it, but it doesn’t help much knowing you’re pissed even if there’s a whole lot to be pissed about. [An endless list, he smirks back at her after the laughter fades.] Yeah, that’s… true. I guess I can let you have a turn this time. I’m pretty generous sometimes.
[They can’t help their emotions, and Jeremy knows that very intimately. If they could, life would be a lot different. It wouldn’t be worth much at all if someone could turn off and on their feelings mechanically, whenever they wanted.
She has seen what becomes of him, the aftermath of his anger. It’s not pretty. It lead to him getting his ass kicked worse than he ever had before. If Alek hadn’t been with him, he would have come out of it needing a trip to the hospital.
But they’re both still here. Anger is necessary sometimes. It’s better than numbness. It keeps them on their feet. It keeps them fighting.]
I think I might have to take you up on those lessons. Yeah, I know. Very rare. Wouldn’t be good of me to like… squander it or something.
[There’s a small smile on his face, because he’s trying to sound like an adult might about an Opportunity Given though it does actually sound pretty awesome. He never really thought about fencing before, but it wasn’t really in the circles where he lived before. The Gilberts were well off, but they weren’t exactly high society either.
Jeremy looks at her, openly, and with fondness. They may not know what it is like to experience that specific kind of loss, but they are both so familiar with loss. Loss I a los, and there’s so much of it in this city.
He looks down at her as she looks up at him, seeing her swallow, seeing the words hit. Jeremy’s grateful that they do seem to hit, and he smirk at what she says, shaking his head.]
I don’t have to. I think we’ve talked about this too, Sarah. I’m your best friend so I know you best.
[It’s still her father, and he knows that the fact that she was so easily left by him will stay with her. It should, but he hopes his words do too, hopes they can combat those feelings that being abandoned may have left her with.
Jeremy leans down to capture her mouth with his own when she leans up. He smiles against her lips, one hand cupping the side of her face before she pulls back and he moves in turn to the side of her again.]
Don’t worry, Sarah. It’ll be a secret with me. I promise you that. Anyone else that wants to know about your many talents will have to learn about them for themselves.
[Jeremy smiles faintly, forehead resting against hers as he takes in a long breath that centers him, makes him feel more whole. He feels it too. It hits him too when she says those words back to him.
He’s known for a long time, but it’s something different being able to say the words, haring them in turn. Jeremy’d been so caught up in his own concern when she was making sure he was okay that he’d missed hearing it that first time himself.]
I’m…
I’m really, really grateful too. That's... kind of putting it lightly, but yeah. [he still remembers the strength of the fear that shot through him when he thought she’d have to move. His hand rests against her hand, and he links their fingers together.] C'mon, I'll help you pack. I brought my car so it'll be easier to transport anything you need.
[ Sarah isn't going to be forgetting that night any time soon.
She won't be forgetting at all. Time has an inexplicable way of making things seem farther away and closer than ever before, both at the same time. Sarah wakes up every day, and she feels both closer and farther to that night than she ever did when it actually happened. It can feel like it happened just yesterday on some days and it can feel like it happened years ago on others.
It's still not something she is ever going to forget.
A big part of her unwillingness to bend to rules anymore, a big part of her ability to finally stand up to her father comes with knowing what they do, and the life that they took.
She vowed Elizabeth's death would not be in vain, and as long as she's alive, she is going to do everything within her power so that that remains true. ]
Wonderful! We can both be equally clueless together. [ The smile widens a little, before it softens back into a more serious expression, and she looks back down at their hands while they rest over his heart. There's the faint drumming of his heartbeat, a murmur against her palm, one more piece of evidence he is very much alive. It's the only guarantee that there's ever been, and ever will be.
There's the here and the now.
Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come, and in Chicago, you either learn to live your life that way or prepare yourself for the day it comes true. And it'll come true again and again and again. There won't come a day she won't invite death in. There won't come a day the reminder of loss doesn't smack her in the face.
But if she doesn't learn to live with it, she'll make herself lose what she does have, for what little time she can have it, because self-sabotage is something she excels in without knowing it. Then she would end up alone, and it'd be all her fault.
And maybe that's worse. ] I... know. I was mostly teasing. I know none of it is really going to help right now. [ She presses her lips together, glancing back out the window for a moment. There is something about being in this room that is both a sanctuary and terrible, and she has grown so accustomed to it, doesn't balk at dichotomy, having struggled with enough contradicting emotions to learn to grapple with them.
It's the one thing she really did like about this house. The view from her window. Do the rooms in the Towers even have windows? She hasn't checked, and even if they did, they wouldn't--it wouldn't look like this, and that's the most pointless thing to linger on but she does, she likes this view, she likes how the sky looks from her window.
What was her window. It was all once hers and now none of it is hers.
Nothing is really hers, and there's that adrift feeling she has to shove past again. ]
I wouldn't advise you to, no. Rest assured, Mr. Gilbert, I'll give you private lessons.
[ Sarah smiles back, knowing full well what he was trying to sound like, but she wouldn't have wanted him to be in those circles. They tend to be filled with snobby people focused on vanities. She doesn't want to generalize, is aware not everyone was like that, but it felt like a great deal of them were, and it was all so hollow and superficial, she couldn't stand it.
She would take being a homeless orphan over living the high society life Sherri and Brooke do any. Day. Of the week.
I'm your best friend so I know best.
There's laughter bubbling up her throat, quiet but earnest. ]
[Sarah stifles back that ridiculous urge to cry when he smiles against her lips. Her hands frame either side of his face lightly, and she smiles back, past the stinging in her eyes, shifting back in place when he moves to her side again. She doesn't look back out the window. She looks at him, fondly, this very beautiful boy that reminds her of loss and fire and Ferris Wheels. ]
Thank you, Jeremy. I appreciate this duplicity of yours. I hadn't seen that side of you but it's strangely appealing.
[ Her eyes close by their own volition when she feels his forehead rest against hers. Sarah rests her lips against the corner of his mouth and says it again. I love you. There is no way to stress enough just how little of a guarantee anything is with her, unless it's messy and mad and something of a wreck, but at least she can say with full honesty that has always been true, will always be true.
Sarah's eyes close, and she breathes, breathes, breathes, and finds herself centered, too.
Until he mentions transport, and her hand tightens in his for a moment, almost as if stopping him from moving. Panic lodges up her throat and there's a moment where she just wants to back away, back into a corner, not move, not do anything, but she knows she has to. There are times when you can't just stay as you are, and you have to move forward, take just what you need, and be on your way.
Sarah bites the insides of her cheeks. ] Okay. I don't--I don't have much left to pack.
[ Her grip on his fingers lessens but she stands from the bed, legs shaky, and somehow, she ends up placing the rest of her belongings in boxes until the room is empty.
It's empty, and she doesn't cry when she turns the light off and shuts the door and they leave the mansion, once and for all.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
They're not on the same side.]
It doesn't hurt me. [That's not even really a lie. She's being very honest with him. The sadness and the heaviness and everything about tonight has been for other reasons. When it comes to his leaving, when it comes to being on her own, she just feels numb about it. There's no active hurt.]
I don't think I feel anything about it anymore. I don't know if it's a good thing or not.
[She looks down at their hands, and she squeezes his own back before she opens her palm against his, splaying their fingers together.]
Yeah, free room and board sounds good and I like it there as it is. I only really need somewhere to sleep.
[There's a small pause at what he says, and Sarah turns to him.
There's surprise, and she doesn't know why, only that there is. She stays silent initially, looking at the space between them, but when she gazes up at him, there's the tiniest smile, but it's warm.]
Jeremy. [The fondness is unmistakable in her voice.] You live with at least five people. Does Martha let you ask people to move in for days at a time at random?
no subject
He remembers everything that she has told him about what it’s like to be an angel, how it feels. Jeremy remembers her telling him what it’s like, that it’s like living with a shadow across the pavement. He can see it, see the differences between when the angel is very strong and when it’s more Sarah.
Even before she explained it to him, Jeremy recognized it, recognized when he found her on the street.
He didn’t need to read any textbook to understand how dangerous it could be, how hard it was on her, on her mind and her body.
It was written all over her, and he knew her well enough to tell. Jeremy thinks a part of him knew long before it, but he refused to acknowledge it.]
I don’t know. I’d rather have no dreams at all, but I kind of got used to them? So they bother me when I’m having them, but it… doesn’t really last after that. It’s like having a nightmare about anything. [And there is plenty in his life to have nightmares about. There are endless memories that can and do occur to him while he sleeps, making that sleep restless.] …what?
[Jeremy sees that concerned look, wonders what she’s thinking about. But he is okay at the end of the day. He’s alright. Jeremy died, but he’s alive now and he has purpose here. More than that, none of them are really supposed to be in Chicago, none of the wanderers. In that way, he can’t really feel like… like he doesn’t fit or shouldn’t be here, not any more than anyone else.
Sometimes he wonders why he’s still alive, but it makes it easier not being in Mystic Falls.] Yeah, I remember. Still… I don’t like it when you hurt. Even knowing… it’s something that happens. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
[There is so much that he and his sister have been through. They’ve lost so much. They’ve seen so much, and they have had to deal with things that are so much bigger than them. His sister has especially been through so much, and Jeremy had been angry at her for decisions she’d made for him.
But he no longer feels that anger, surrounded by so much, they make the choices that they can make. They do the best, but they’re bound to make mistakes, and Jeremy understands that now. He’s grown up to the point where he can understand it, and Jeremy can’t blame her for those actions anymore.
He’s forgiven her, and they have a better relationship now where they have trust, where they’re open and communicating with each other.
Jeremy knows he can come to Sarah with anything and everything, and he trusts her completely. He knows if there was anyone that could help him with this, it’d be her, not because of her connection with the dead but because of her, because of who she is.]
Yeah, it’s pretty terrible… and he was different back then so. [so he wasn’t a psychotic asshole. Whoever he was, it’s not something anyone deserves.] Yeah, I don’t… think you can. Even then, I don’t know if it works.
[FWAUGH, Elena. ;_; Jeremy will never forget Damon carrying her dead body either even if he knew that she should come back, that the spell should work. He didn’t know for sure until she took that breath, and the relief could flood through him again.]
They’re a lot cooler. I’d rather learn how to use those anyway.
[Jeremy smiles back at her, looking at her fondly.
He looks over at her when she looks up at the ceiling, and he look at her in turn.] Definitive is… at least you don’t have to… deal with that anymore. [It’s some small silver lining in a whole very dark situation that he hates, that angers him too.
It’s her father, and it means something. He should be on her side. Jeremy’s parents were always on his side even if he lost them far too early.
There’s no judgment when she says that it doesn’t hurt her. Jeremy looks at her with concern, but he doesn’t know if it is a good or a bad thing. He really doesn’t. There are times that he’s felt numb and then he’s felt it all, it’s all piled up and shoved itself into him later.]
/COUGH COUGH cough
[Jeremy presses his hand against hers and nods in answer. A small smile is on his face, and he thought she’d move there.]
Yeah, guess at the end of the day, it’s all you really need. Somewhere to sleep, somewhere that’s… safe. Minus the ghosts, but only the nice ones are left last I heard.
[He is watching her reaction carefully.
Because he has been thinking about it ever since she showed up at his window not long ago. It’s why he already asked Martha at least about it, because he can’t think of anything better than spending as much time before Christmas with her as possible.]
Sarah. [Jeremy smiles at her, laughing at the question.] Yeah, I already asked Martha. If you want me to put out a poll instead, I could… but I promise you it’d be okay.
asldkfja LMFAO /says nothing ;xxxxxxxxx
Aside from that night Elizabeth and Josef died, when the Calling's near a reset, Sarah is aware enough to avoid people when it gets really bad, or there's just so much exhaustion she sleeps it off anyway. It has nothing to do with not wanting help or not trusting or any of that.
It's just too much for any one person.
She thinks most angels and demons do something similar unless the Calling forces you outside, forces you to find a victim.
You have to protect the people you care about.
Even if that sometimes means protecting them from yourself. Especially then.]
Yeah, that makes sense. It does. I'm still hoping we can find a way that you don't... get to have them that much anymore, if at all. [And she glances up at him, surprised by his question, the way he asks it, and shakes her head, almost smiling at him guiltily.] Nothing. I was just trying to piece everything together.
[She's thinking about a lot of things but until she can put them together in a manner that remotely resembles something cohesive, they're just things she's trying to piece together. If there's something she thinks will help, she'll tell him.]
If it helps, I'm pissed, too? [... Sarah, that is not helpful :|
But no, she is. Pissed at Damon for snapping his neck, pissed teenagers like Jeremy and Elizabeth get shot and killed and they're not even to blame for why those guns are charging forward in the first place, pissed at the world for being as sucky as it can be sometimes.
Pissed that she can still feel like sometimes it's so pointless when it ends doomed, when it ends in death and madness, and she just read a book about all the reasons why it's not pointless and she believes that.]
That's kind of scary. How much someone, anyone can change, depending on the circumstances you're given. [No one's born with evil or hate inside of them. It's made. Made by the world, or made by whatever reasons but it's something that turns you into someone unrecognizable.
She wonders if that could ever happen to her. She secretly thinks it could.
When she hates, she hates.]
Me too. I took fencing lessons but that was... a really long time ago.
[She tilts her head as if thinking back, because fencing is a thing amongst trust fund babies, don't you know, and while she hated everything trust fund baby, she kind of liked those, and then she smiles back at him, just as fondly.
Sarah bites the insides of her cheeks and nods at him, looking up at the ceiling still because there's that feeling like there are needles in her throat. He's right and she knows it, and he lost his parents so there's no way that he can't understand what it's like to have that absence of both.] I know. I just.
[And she hates what she's about to say, what it sounds like
why am i so easy to leave behind?, it's so teenager and emo but.] It was so easy for him.[It's when he answers her that she turns sideways again to face him.] I think so. I mean, I know somewhere deep down I'm sad and angry about it, I just... can't bring myself to feel it.
[Sarah also can't quite bring herself to smile back, but her expression toward him, aimed at him, is warm. It was the first place she thought of moving. It means more people, a lot more people, people that die and go missing all the time but Charlie's there and they can do good and that's
It's comforting. It is. She wants to do good. She does.]
Guess so. And hey, there's a lot of morbid, interesting, strange conversations I can have with ghosts. They'll be my minions before you know it.
[She's not serious. Not... really.
Sarah swallows past that still-there-feeling. Needles in her throat. But it breaks into a smile, a genuine, warm, almost bright smile when he says her name like that.]
Okay. [Quiet, but so earnest. She'll stay with him for Christmas. What was left of her family is long gone now but she can spend it with him and his.
She's not alone, and he always reminds her of the fact.]
Thank you, Jeremy. For all sorts of things.
jrkle;aljr LMFAO he won't stop .-.
Jeremy would be more than happy being there with her every time that she needed it, every time that she was similar to what he was when she wandered the street. He would want to be there with her to remind her of Sarah, to hold her while he slept as if that would keep her in place, as if that would keep her with him.
He would want to do that for her.
He would want it more than he can really express, but if he were in her position, he’d likely do the very same.
Jeremy would avoid people when he was in that state, but he would want to stay with her, he would want to reach out to her. He wouldn’t want her to protect him from herself.
But he understands the need, the desire, the want for it.]
I hope we can too. I mean I’d like to avoid it if at all possible, but there’s… I think that they happen if you build up a lot of memories like that. It might be unavoidable, I don’t know. [He shakes his head, looking over at her, noting the surprise on her face. He smiles back at her.] Oh, okay. If you get any ideas, you should let me know. I appreciate your opinion.
[And he knows that she would. There aren’t secrets between them, and there never will be. He trusts her, and she trusts him too. They’re best friends first, and they always look out for each other first, which makes all the difference. He’s never had a relationship like this one before. Vicki was barely a relationship based on sex and drugs. Anna started out being about betrayal and using each other. Bonnie, he was the kid brother who suddenly got hot to her.]
I… don’t know if that really helps? [And he laughs a little, tilting his head as he look at her.] I don’t like when you’re angry either especially cause of me. There’s enough to be angry at, but I know… why you would be.
It makes me angry too.
[All of it. There’s so much to be pissed about, and the list is endless. He used to be so angry, all the time. He could feel empty and angry at the same time, and it wouldn’t really seem to end, because he found one thing after another to hate, to be angry about.
He still gets pissed sometimes. Ahem, if his fight with Carter says anything, he gets more than pissed sometimes, at the unfairness of it all, but he’s still here.]
…yeah, it really is scary. It’s life, I guess, but I hate that so much of someone can change because of what’s going on around them. I’ve heard people say that before about Chicago, how it changes you. [You live long enough in Chicago to die or to become insane. It’s really scary to think about, but he can’t hep thinking about it.
No one can really.]
Did you? That kind of sounds like it could be fun, actually fun.
[The expression on her face has him smiling back at her. He ducks his head for a moment before he meets her gaze again, fond smile on his face.
Jeremy looks at her. His hand rests against her stomach as she lies down against the back of the bed. He knows what it’s like to not have his parents, it’s true, but he is grateful that he got to know them both and they got to know him too and show how much they loved him all the time. It’s something Sarah never got, and he knows that’s something he couldn’t understand.
He’s quiet as he waits for her to respond, and he closes his eyes at what she ays. It doesn’t sound teenager to him, not for a moment. Jeremy shifts until he’s lying beside her but over her so he’s looking down at her while she looks up..] …it shouldn’t have been. If he knew you, if he was any kind of father, it couldn’t have been. You are amazing.
(unsure)
[It’s okay, and someday she will, but she doesn’t have to right now. He spent so much time numb that he’ll never try to make someone else try to feel something before they’re ready to do it.
She does do good. Jeremy is card of her moving into the Tower, much as he figured she would, but she already does good and she’ll do more.]
If anyone could have a bunch of minions, it’d be you.
[Minions of the ghosts or anything else, but he’s smirking at her since obviously she wouldn’t have actual minions.
He breaks into a smile of his own that matches hers when she gives it to him, and Jeremy leans in to press a kiss against her lips. It’s the best Christmas gift for him, and he’l be happy to have her.]
Okay. [Jeremy says in agreement and then he looks sideways at her, shaking his head.]
You don’t have to thank me. All sorts of things go hand in hand with loving and knowing you.
LMAO that's what she saaaaaaaaaid
And since the night Elizabeth and Josef died, it honestly hasn't gotten anywhere near that bad, anywhere near that close of a call. He took care of her, went to lengths to get her address to check up on her even before they became as close as they did. And she'll never forget that, how he and Martha and Elena looked after her.
Without having that, if she'd have just stayed in this empty house by herself instead, she doesn't know what would've happened.
Doesn't really want to imagine it, either.
She's been able to pull through from that experience, and it's been in large part because of him, because of how he understands, doesn't judge or expect her to be someone she's not. ]
I know. I mean, I've had bad dreams of my own since... you know. Maybe it's something we can only finish dealing with subconsciously, while the rest of us moves on. I can't really be sure. [ Sarah smiles back at him, a hand over his heart. ] I will get back to you. We'll figure this out, Jeremy, if there's something to figure out.
[ Maybe it really is what he says. Just so much bad stuff happening his brain still needs to process. Maybe it's his being brought back twice and falling through the Rift so shortly after. There's no way to be sure but she won't leave him alone with it. The love she feels for him stems beyond the platonic but being his best friend always comes first to that.
Because even then she knew that he needed that more. The way she needed it more, too.
A friend. A constant. ]
Oh. Then never mind. [ She wrinkles her nose, but she grins a little when he laughs, since she likes hearing him laugh. Life can such a lot of the time--okay, most of the time--but they should get to laugh. ] Hey, you've been angry on my behalf plenty of times. Just consider this the tipping of the scales.
[ But she knows what he means, and she's not going to do anything impulsive or rash about it, will try very hard not to. She just can't help it, either.
And she looks up at him when he agrees it makes him angry also, and she steps forward again, small arms winding around his middle for a tight hug. She's seen firsthand the anger, what it can lead to, what it means for him, but she's still here, too. It's okay to be angry sometimes, she said to him once, unless it consumes.
She still needs her anger. ]
I've heard that, too. I've seen it but it never really gets easier. It doesn't always change you for worse, though. I've seen a lot of people become stronger, too. [ It comes at a very heavy price but she wants to believe not all the changes can lead down that road, doesn't want to think of any of them becoming someone they wouldn't recognize.
Becoming the monsters that sometimes win. ]
I did. I could give you lessons sometime. It's not always you're going to get a girl offering to teach you about big swords, Jeremy.
[ She is clearly still teasing, because she likes that fond smile on his face, the way he ducks his head sometimes, still capable of the emotion that leads to the gesture.
Sarah releases a breath, turning sideways to face him, a hand slipping to rest over his at her stomach. On the same vein, she couldn't understand exactly his kind of loss. To get to know his parents, to have that relationship with them, and then lose them. But a loss is a loss, and they don't have to experience the exact same things to be understanding, to not be alone with it.
She is still looking up, over at the collage, but once he blocks it from view, she's looking right up at him, and swallows. The words reach her, right in the chest, and she places her hands on either of his arms while he's above her. ]
c:
[ But they stay with her, the words, and she smiles at him, a little bit vulnerably, before she leans up to him to rest her mouth against his.
And maybe she will. Maybe it'll remain in that icy part of her that doesn't do anything but give to the coldness, or maybe it'll all come to a head. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise right now that she can't. She does know if anything does happen, she can come to him. She always seems to. ]
It is one of my many talents. Just don't go around telling anyone, least of all those that already live there. I would like the element of surprise.
[ Sarah levels a smirk right back at him, but it shifts quickly into a smile when he returns it so earnestly. She leans in when he does, hands framing either side of his face to kiss him back. When it ends, she remains close enough to rest her forehead against his, and it hits her. ]
I love you. Too. [ Her fingers gently trace his mouth after he's kissed her.
He'd said it before and in her concern over making sure Jeremy was okay, she hadn't stopped long enough to say it back. And she knows she doesn't need to do that, either, but she wants to, because it's true. Amidst many things she knows aren't real, aren't true, there's that one truth and she holds onto it. For as long as she can, for as long as she's allowed. ]
And I know I don't have to but I want to. Most of all, I'm just... grateful I get to stay.
jrkl;a LMFAO I should have known :x
She needed help at that time, and he’s glad that he didn’t wait around, that he went and broke into the school records to find her address. Somehow without knowing, he knew. Maybe it was just his habit of jumping to the worst conclusions, because the worst conclusions tended to be right. He knew that something had happened, and there was really nowhere else in Chicago that he should be.
He didn’t waste any time after that, and he found her on the street and then took her back to his home as soon as he could.
Jeremy still remembers what it was like to find her there. He’ll never forget. It’ll stay with him.]
Yeah, I know. I think it’s just something that happens maybe even after you’ve dealt with it. It’s your brains way of… processing everything while your body rests. I don’t really know either. [Jeremy admits though he smiles back at her, slipping his own hand over the hand of hers that rests against his heart.] Got it. You’re right. We will figure it out.
[If there’s anything to figure out. Either that or it will pop up when they all least expect it, the answers, the truth to whatever it is and whatever it means. There’s not a lot that they can do about it right now though when it’s just dream and this sometimes feeling of offness.
They won’t leave each other alone with anything, not through whatever comes ahead and there’s no way to tell now what will come ahead.
But a friend, a constant. There’s the something more, but that’s not what it’s all based on and that makes such a difference.
And he laughs gently at the nose wrinkling.] It’s cool. I mean I want you to be honest about it, but it doesn’t help much knowing you’re pissed even if there’s a whole lot to be pissed about. [An endless list, he smirks back at her after the laughter fades.] Yeah, that’s… true. I guess I can let you have a turn this time. I’m pretty generous sometimes.
[They can’t help their emotions, and Jeremy knows that very intimately. If they could, life would be a lot different. It wouldn’t be worth much at all if someone could turn off and on their feelings mechanically, whenever they wanted.
She has seen what becomes of him, the aftermath of his anger. It’s not pretty. It lead to him getting his ass kicked worse than he ever had before. If Alek hadn’t been with him, he would have come out of it needing a trip to the hospital.
But they’re both still here. Anger is necessary sometimes. It’s better than numbness. It keeps them on their feet. It keeps them fighting.]
I think I might have to take you up on those lessons. Yeah, I know. Very rare. Wouldn’t be good of me to like… squander it or something.
[There’s a small smile on his face, because he’s trying to sound like an adult might about an Opportunity Given though it does actually sound pretty awesome. He never really thought about fencing before, but it wasn’t really in the circles where he lived before. The Gilberts were well off, but they weren’t exactly high society either.
Jeremy looks at her, openly, and with fondness. They may not know what it is like to experience that specific kind of loss, but they are both so familiar with loss. Loss I a los, and there’s so much of it in this city.
He looks down at her as she looks up at him, seeing her swallow, seeing the words hit. Jeremy’s grateful that they do seem to hit, and he smirk at what she says, shaking his head.]
rkjl;a ;;
I don’t have to. I think we’ve talked about this too, Sarah. I’m your best friend so I know you best.
[It’s still her father, and he knows that the fact that she was so easily left by him will stay with her. It should, but he hopes his words do too, hopes they can combat those feelings that being abandoned may have left her with.
Jeremy leans down to capture her mouth with his own when she leans up. He smiles against her lips, one hand cupping the side of her face before she pulls back and he moves in turn to the side of her again.]
Don’t worry, Sarah. It’ll be a secret with me. I promise you that. Anyone else that wants to know about your many talents will have to learn about them for themselves.
[Jeremy smiles faintly, forehead resting against hers as he takes in a long breath that centers him, makes him feel more whole. He feels it too. It hits him too when she says those words back to him.
He’s known for a long time, but it’s something different being able to say the words, haring them in turn. Jeremy’d been so caught up in his own concern when she was making sure he was okay that he’d missed hearing it that first time himself.]
I’m…
I’m really, really grateful too. That's... kind of putting it lightly, but yeah. [he still remembers the strength of the fear that shot through him when he thought she’d have to move. His hand rests against her hand, and he links their fingers together.] C'mon, I'll help you pack. I brought my car so it'll be easier to transport anything you need.
no subject
She won't be forgetting at all. Time has an inexplicable way of making things seem farther away and closer than ever before, both at the same time. Sarah wakes up every day, and she feels both closer and farther to that night than she ever did when it actually happened. It can feel like it happened just yesterday on some days and it can feel like it happened years ago on others.
It's still not something she is ever going to forget.
A big part of her unwillingness to bend to rules anymore, a big part of her ability to finally stand up to her father comes with knowing what they do, and the life that they took.
She vowed Elizabeth's death would not be in vain, and as long as she's alive, she is going to do everything within her power so that that remains true. ]
Wonderful! We can both be equally clueless together. [ The smile widens a little, before it softens back into a more serious expression, and she looks back down at their hands while they rest over his heart. There's the faint drumming of his heartbeat, a murmur against her palm, one more piece of evidence he is very much alive. It's the only guarantee that there's ever been, and ever will be.
There's the here and the now.
Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come, and in Chicago, you either learn to live your life that way or prepare yourself for the day it comes true. And it'll come true again and again and again. There won't come a day she won't invite death in. There won't come a day the reminder of loss doesn't smack her in the face.
But if she doesn't learn to live with it, she'll make herself lose what she does have, for what little time she can have it, because self-sabotage is something she excels in without knowing it. Then she would end up alone, and it'd be all her fault.
And maybe that's worse. ] I... know. I was mostly teasing. I know none of it is really going to help right now. [ She presses her lips together, glancing back out the window for a moment. There is something about being in this room that is both a sanctuary and terrible, and she has grown so accustomed to it, doesn't balk at dichotomy, having struggled with enough contradicting emotions to learn to grapple with them.
It's the one thing she really did like about this house. The view from her window. Do the rooms in the Towers even have windows? She hasn't checked, and even if they did, they wouldn't--it wouldn't look like this, and that's the most pointless thing to linger on but she does, she likes this view, she likes how the sky looks from her window.
What was her window. It was all once hers and now none of it is hers.
Nothing is really hers, and there's that adrift feeling she has to shove past again. ]
I wouldn't advise you to, no. Rest assured, Mr. Gilbert, I'll give you private lessons.
[ Sarah smiles back, knowing full well what he was trying to sound like, but she wouldn't have wanted him to be in those circles. They tend to be filled with snobby people focused on vanities. She doesn't want to generalize, is aware not everyone was like that, but it felt like a great deal of them were, and it was all so hollow and superficial, she couldn't stand it.
She would take being a homeless orphan over living the high society life Sherri and Brooke do any. Day. Of the week.
I'm your best friend so I know best.
There's laughter bubbling up her throat, quiet but earnest. ]
Okay. I won't argue. Not about this matter.
no subject
Thank you, Jeremy. I appreciate this duplicity of yours. I hadn't seen that side of you but it's strangely appealing.
[ Her eyes close by their own volition when she feels his forehead rest against hers. Sarah rests her lips against the corner of his mouth and says it again. I love you. There is no way to stress enough just how little of a guarantee anything is with her, unless it's messy and mad and something of a wreck, but at least she can say with full honesty that has always been true, will always be true.
Sarah's eyes close, and she breathes, breathes, breathes, and finds herself centered, too.
Until he mentions transport, and her hand tightens in his for a moment, almost as if stopping him from moving. Panic lodges up her throat and there's a moment where she just wants to back away, back into a corner, not move, not do anything, but she knows she has to. There are times when you can't just stay as you are, and you have to move forward, take just what you need, and be on your way.
Sarah bites the insides of her cheeks. ] Okay. I don't--I don't have much left to pack.
[ Her grip on his fingers lessens but she stands from the bed, legs shaky, and somehow, she ends up placing the rest of her belongings in boxes until the room is empty.
It's empty, and she doesn't cry when she turns the light off and shuts the door and they leave the mansion, once and for all.
She's good at goodbyes. ]