[No, she doesn't have to say it and Jeremy thinks it is understandable. Anyone that had to deal with what she does would be messed up by it sometimes. There's a huge difference between who she is when that death, when the angel is at the forefront of her mind and when she is Sarah. Sarah.
Jeremy would fight off that ice for her each and every time, but he knows. He knows from his reading that it's not that simple, and there are times when he wouldn't be able to fight it off.
He knows. He read that entry, and he knows she could have gone over to see it for certain, but she's here and it wasn't that long ago that she spoke to her friend. And he doesn't think it's cowardly while knowing why she would feel that way.
Jeremy smirks a little back, and his hand drifts to the corner of her mouth as if tracing that smirk.]
Very shiny. Long way to go before we have to worry. We can. I'd go with you.
[He really would despite the fact that they were joking.
Jeremy wouldn't let herself be heavy with it always. The joking helps. If he helps and he knows he does, he's there, right there with her until she can smirk again, smile again, as soft as it may be.
It's strange because he can feel the shift from ice cold to something warmer, to more like she feels on an ordinary day to him. He smiles at her and places his lips against her chin, gently, kissing.]
Okay, then together lets not ever imagine it, alright?
[Jeremy is aware that it's not that simple, not for her. He imagines what it'd be like to find her... dead, dying, more times than he can list. Those are the scary dreams. Those are the nightmares.
He smiles just before she place the kiss against the corner of his mouth, and he rests a hand on the back of her neck to bring her in again after she's said Okay and he kisses her, directly on the lips and smiles against them.
Jeremy winces. He knew that she'd react that way.]
They were having an argument in her room. He was... touching her and that's my sister. I overheard and waked in on it, and... he broke my neck. He used to be-- He's changed. [And he doesn't know how he believes and trusts that Damon won't kill him anymore. Jeremy knows now to avoid him when he's that emotional.
He knows what an emotional Damon will do. He's still capable of killing, but Jeremy does trust and believe that Damon's number one concern is protecting his sister. And that includes him.
His hands slip up over her hands as they rest against his neck, and he smiles at her in an attempt to be reassuring. Jeremy understands completely, and it's not until she says she feels it that tears actually burn in his eyes. It feels like he's been hit, like something sharp has slid into him and he looks down, the tears burning at his eyes.]
No. [It's said softly, and he looks up at her, shaking his head as he looks at her.] I'm sorry that you have to feel it every single time.
If my feeling it, going there means you have someone that understands, I'm... it makes me more okay with it. [It gives some point and purpose to both of his deaths, to his coming back from them too.]
[ Of course he would. He's Jeremy. He's compassionate and he's good, and there isn't anyone that understands like he does. He's not an angel of death like she is, and he understands it so well, and there's something painful at remembering why he'd understand the way he does, all he's lost.
It hurts to lose. Every time, it doesn't change. If Dylan dies, it'll hurt like it hurt with Elizabeth. There's a part of her that wants to fight it, that wants to refuse to accept the possibility, and there's the other side of her that understands. This is her choice, it's the only thing she can live with, and you have to let them go.
There always seems to be less of you once you do.
There is a quiet, subdued grin when his hand traces her mouth. ]
... You would?
[ She had been joking, hadn't meant to take it seriously, but the idea is strangely appealing. Letting one's self go, fall, without the bottom dropping out.
Sarah feels it, too. Almost instantly. She can tell when the angel quiets, when it retreats, and she takes another small breath, arms tightening their hold against his neck because it's all these things she loves that keep her human, that remind her she's alive when everything else is just death, it's losing, it's reminders that things always, always end and it's a hollow place.
Then she sees his face, and he smiles at her, or kisses her like he does now, and it's like inviting the warmth back in. She remembers she's alive. ]
I'll try not to. I'm getting better at it, I think.
[ It's spoken barely above a whisper. It's not that simple, no, and it's just as easy to imagine him dying, imagine him in the hollow place.
And so she holds on tighter. She kisses him fully when he brings her in again, does not hold back, does not think to.
And she remembers they're somewhere else. ]
That's... that's horrible. I believe you when you say he has, and I still plan being careful around him, but that just--[ She literally does not have words for it. It's even more amazing to her, Elena and Jeremy not only still talking to Damon but trusting him with what they do.
At the same time, it doesn't really surprise her. It's who they are. ] He didn't... he had nothing to do with the second time, did he?
[ Tears prick at her own eyes, and her hands slip up and down his neck, as if also reassuring. She doesn't want to picture it but she can, she can picture him dying because he did, and a tear finally slides down her cheek when he looks down, because it hadn't ever registered just how much he does. Understand.
And she laughs almost disbelievingly, brokenly, because of what he says, it is such a Jeremy thing to say, and she thinks she loves him a bit more. She shakes her head, blinking back the tears.] If it meant you didn't have to, you hadn't had to, I would want to. It's what I'm meant to do, even if it takes from me. I think if ... it means I can understand at least a little, I'm more okay with it, too.
[ It's not the same. He is not an angel built to come back from death, which explains the weirdness, but when put into that perspective, it's easier to understand, and she has felt the same. It's not exactly the same every time. It varies with every death, some are violent and fast and some are violent and long and some are peaceful and sweet but in Chicago those are rare. ] Because we end up... back here, and that's better for me.
[It's always been especially easy to understand with her, because she's always opened herself up to him and been honest with him. They haven't always shared every secret that they have, every thing that has ever happened to them, but they haven't needed to either.
That can be the hardest part sometimes. The hardest part can be letting go, knowing when to let go. Jeremy will fight for someone long after they say they don't want him anymore, they don't want him fighting.
If he loves someone, he'll keep fighting and he doesn't really know how to let go. Has he ever really done so? He's moved on. But letting go is something else entirely.
He admires anyone who is able to let go, because it's-- he never can. Elena can't either. It might be another Gilbert thing.
Jeremy smiles when he sees that grin, no matter how subdued it might be.]
Yeah, I would. I'd be happy to.
[He knows she was joking, but he really would love to go with her for all those reasons that she outlined. It'd be exhilarating to fall and to fall, to let go.
It's everything they love and everything that hurts and everything that makes them happy that makes them human. The angel doesn't have room for emotions, and he doesn't have to know that, doesn't have to be an angel to sense it from the differences he's seen in her. There's such a stark difference. She's more alive as herself, and when the angel is loud, she's hollow, empty, no emotion.
Jeremy always wants to remind her that she's alive, that she's loved, that she can be warm too.]
I know it's not easy so... all I can do is ask you to try. I'm glad you're getting better at it.
[Death surrounds her enough as it is without adding to that with her imagining that he's dying, but he knows why she wouldn't be able to help imagine it.
Jeremy tightens his hold on her, and he still has her lifted up above the floor. He's taller than her so it's possible, and it's not until he sets her down again that she kisses him so fully.
his hands slide up to her face, and he answers with an intense kiss of his own.]
Yeah, it was... bad. I knew you would be careful around him anyway, but it's... it can be horrible. With him. [Sometimes he doesn't really know how they did forgive him, how Elena did especially. Jeremy forgave him first. Somehow.
But it's who they are. If he hadn't come back, he doesn't think Elena would hae forgiven him.] ...not-- Not directly. He was sick, dying, hallucinating, and I found him. I was taking him somewhere safe, and the sheriff was aiming to shoot him. Damon saw and... ran, but I was behind him so. [So he was shot instead, and he hadn't really thought of how Damon was kind of responsible for both of his deaths even if the second wasn't his fault.
Jeremy sees the tears prick at her eyes, and he slips his hand down the back of her neck. He smiles a little at her, knowing she can picture it. When he looks back up at her, he slides his finger across the tear on her face. He understands, and he could never describe before how much he can and does.
He looks at her as she laughs in that disbelieving, broken sound of hers, and Jeremy swallows thickly, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers. His hand remains against the side of her face before he pulls back at what she says. And he smiles too though there's that burning in his eyes and in his chest at what she says.] See? We... bring a little more sense to each other's lives accidentally. That's... kind of cool.
[No, it's not the same, and Jeremy still wishes that he could take it away, take away the fact that she has to lose something every time whether she's meant to do it or not. She deserves so much more. She should be happy. She should have a long and happy life.
It's so hard to hope for it when they're hit with the reality of this.] I'm glad it's better for you. It's better for me that you... understand, that I have someone who understands it.
[There's a slight pause before he tugs her on to the empty bed now too, and he looks around at her room, in the midst of packing.] ...so your dad bailed?
[Sarah files his willingness to go with her away for later.
It sounds like it could be a lot of fun, and she isn't really in the mind frame to think of a lot of fun things, but she knows--she hopes--she feels differently about it later. She knows it's not always this heavy. She knows it's not always this cold. It goes away, and it has to come back, but there's time in between.
It's not always very much time, but it's something.
And in that time in between she can just be Sarah, and Sarah would like bungee jumping for all the reasons he would.
Even if she can't quite reach that now.]
I... am. [She thinks she is. Sometimes. There's always something that happens that has you taking a step back.] I wouldn't want it to be something at the forefront unless it gets worse for you, the weird... feeling. Unless you needed help with it or to talk about it.
Otherwise, it's something... it happened before. Before you even knew me. I shouldn't--fixate on that or bring it all back for you.
[It's the last thing she'd want to do. He understands death very well, but it's not what she actively associates him with. She would never ignore those parts of him but they aren't what define him for her, just like she is more than the angel of death, the last thing someone sees before they die.
He believes that of her and she has to believe it, too. She usually does.
Sarah smiles a little at him when his hands touch her face, smiles past that restless feeling that's making her fingertips itch, and she closes her hand over her own arm.]
I'm sorry. That you and your sister had to go through that. I wonder what... he was like before he became a vampire. [How the nature of the vampire influenced him or if he was already capable of something like that. Sarah tends to think he probably wasn't, and even knowing this about him, he's still... a person. Capable of horrible things, but a person.
If Jeremy hadn't come back from that, Elena would've never forgiven him, no. She would've hated Damon for as long as she lived.] Oh. [Her voice is small, almost inaudible, and she's shorter than him, enough that her eye level is at his chest, not that she knows that's where he was shot, but it's where she's looking, biting the insides of her cheek.]
That... must've been really scary. I hate guns.
[Both of his deaths were so violent. His neck was snapped. Then he was shot.
Elizabeth was shot. Josef was shot. That's how they died, too. Bullet pierces your heart and you're done. She shakes her head against him once he rests his forehead with hers, swallowing back another sound and there's a burning in her own chest and it's never fair. She manages another smile when he says it's kind of cool, pads of her fingers now warmer on his skin.]
It's the strangest thing I know. [She leans forward, placing a soft kiss on his neck, shoving aside the rest.
She goes where he tugs and she lets herself fall onto the bed, her back against the mattress. She looks up at the ceiling and nods at him once with a small sigh, before turning to him with a wry smile.] I'm officially disowned. He's probably halfway cross the ocean now. At least he agreed to the arrangement.
[It meant getting her hands dirty but it wasn't as hard as she thought. She doesn't know what that says about her.] He'll keep up the pretense as long as I don't incriminate him personally. The weird thing is some of his friends and their families are also bailing. It's like they were asked to leave.
The Crowbar works with Damon so I imagine they both have the addresses now. To keep an eye on the families that take up residence. In case... [Her voice trails off and she shrugs a slim shoulder almost helplessly. There are a lot of case scenarios, and she looks back at the ceiling, the eclectic collage she made and hung up there that she'll have to take down.]
[Jeremy would go with her, and he’d enjoy it. He’d go with her even if he didn’t want to jump off too. There’s really nowhere that he wouldn’t go with her to.
It’s not always this heavy, but he understands how death will linger, how it will touch everything especially for her in a way that he won’t be able to understand. Her relationship with death is something that he’ll never be able to experience, but there is so much more to her than that.
There’s Sarah too. There’s not only an angel of death, and they will go bungee jumping, because they want to.
Because it’s living. It’s fun. It would be theirs.
A moment that can’t be taken away. He wants them to go.]
Okay, good. I get why it’d be difficult. [he gets why those step backs will happen sometimes.] It hasn’t gotten worse at all for me. It’s been better for the most part. Sometimes I still have dreams like I did the other night, but it’s not… it hasn’t been worse.
I’d let you know if it did, and we’d talk about it, but I don’t want it on the forefront of your mind either. I get if you did… fixate, but I wouldn’t want you to. I wouldn’t… want that knowledge to hurt you any longer than it already has.
[It’s not his fault obviously, but he can’t help but feel bad that he could bring any of that sadness to her even if it’s understandable. She would obviously get sad learning about something like that. Who wouldn’t? There’s just been enough sadness and hurt in her life to last a lifetime already, and he doesn’t want to be a part of it even knowing logically that it’s a part of loving someone.
No, it’s never what defines her in his eyes. He never sees her as an angel, as an angel of death.
He sees her as Sarah, and it’s nothing that will change, never. Even if he does live long enough to see her lose her mind (and it’s a terrifying thought that he doesn’t let stick with him) and she became all angel, he would still remember Sarah as she is and has been with him. Nothing could tarnish that. Nothing ever will.
Jeremy smiles back at her just a little as if he can sense that sadness lingering, clinging to her. His hand rests over her hand.]
Yeah, I’m… sorry too. That it even happened. I’m… not sure what he used to be like. He was in love with someone that’s… who turned him. He wanted to be with her forever, and she… made him think she’d died and abandoned him. [Jeremy shakes his head. He knows what happened, but he still doesn’t know exactly what Damon used to be, but he wouldn’t think that he was a killer when he was human. Fff, Elena. ;; And Damon knows that for sure. It’s part of why he is trying so hard to protect Jeremy too in this world, and he doesn’t want her going through any more loss.
He winces at her reaction. The ‘oh’ hits him right in the chest, but he doesn’t look away from her even if she’s staring at his chest. He stretches his hand out to rest against the side of her face again.]
Yeah, it was. I… kinda do too.
[Hate guns, which is obvious now likely considering one hit him in his chest.
Death via a bullet happens fairly fast, but the neck breaking was still less painful because it happened in an instant. He shakes his head too, pushing that away for the time being as he doesn’t want her to linger on it. Jeremy smiles back at her, looking at her face as if searching it, to see if she’s okay, if she’s better, knowing there’s so little he can do.]
Me too. The strangest thing. [His hands wrap around her waist when she kisses him on the neck.]
[And he lies down on the bed beside her, turned to the side so he’s looking at her. His hand rests under his head as she sighs beside him, and he shakes his head, unable to really manage a smile when she talks about this. It’s her father, and it makes him angry.] I’m glad he agreed and didn’t… make it any more difficult than it already is.
[It says she’s willing to do what it takes to do what’s right. …get out of here JerBear] …that is really weird. I wonder if it means something. I’ll have to tell Damon, I guess, and Elena.
[Jeremy nods when she says In case… because there are so many possibilities, and she says It’s better this way, but it would be better if her father had acted like her father to begin with. It would be better if she didn’t have to hurt, and the anger slides through him.]
But it still hurts, it still... shouldn't be this way. [And he reaches for her hand to hold it, squeeze it tight.]
…are you moving into the Tower?
Cause… I was thinking that maybe you could move in with us until Christmas, I mean. I know there’s not much room and you might want your own space, but you could pack a bag for the next ten days.
…you could think of it as your Christmas gift to me. [And he thinks it would be good for her too to spend some time there. He doesn’t know if she’d want to or be up for it, but he really wants to her to stay with them.
[She's not very good at explaining it well, but it's been easiest with him.
The best she ever came up with was when she told him it was kind of like the shadow on the pavement when you walk, only the Calling is a constant shadow, and they don't always want different things. The angel often wants isolation. It's very cold. It's aware of things that must end and that she must bring the end to it.
She and Adrien discussed a painting the one time, fire and ice, and what happens when you're one or the other.
But what happens if you have both? she asked him, and she didn't need to.
They both knew the answer. They both knew that that's where the madness lies.]
It doesn't bother you at all? Having dreams about it? I mean, I guess if you've been having them recurringly... [There's a small, concerned frown on her face as she thinks over it, and if it means anything. If it does mean anything, why. If it's connected to how shortly he fell through after he was brought back from death.] Okay, that's... all I wanted to know.
[Sarah doesn't need to know details. She doesn't need to know the whole story. As long as he's okay, that's what matters most to her. She smiles at him a little sadly.] We were preparing ourselves for more hurt along the way, remember? It's just something that happens when you care. I wouldn't want it any other way.
[And it's understandable that he doesn't want to hurt anyone with the knowledge, but he's the one that went through something like that. He's the one that she's focusing on. That it hurts is just consequential of what he means to her, and the enormity of what he's been through.
It's one more inkling of just what life was like for him, how much he's had to go through, and how that's affected him. She doesn't want to ignore it, especially if it's not something that's still coming to the surface, even in small ways. It's happening for a reason, isn't it? Something that's unresolved.
She would want to help him with it as he has already helped her with so many things.
The way he would help her if the roles were reversed.]
That's a terrible thing to do, regardless of whether it's Damon or not. [She quiets though, because there are a lot of reasons why someone turns, but wanting to be with someone forever seems to be a recurring thing.] I guess you can't really be with someone like that forever unless it's... becoming like them.
[It's also part of why Elena's more overprotective, even then she'd already been. Because of what's happened to Jeremy and how that never leaves her, not holding him dead in the floor and not him asking her why people have to keep doing on him. It took her a long time to get past what happened that night with Damon.
Sarah bites on her lip, only looking back up at him when she feels his hand on her face, trying to shove that lingering sadness back down her throat.]
I don't... blame you. [She looks down at his hands, finding them with her own, squeezing them once in reassurance.] Crossbows are cooler. Swords, too.
[She smiles a bit, clearly saying this to add some levity to the conversation, even if she means it.
Sarah's looking up at the ceiling, but she feels his eyes on her so she also shifts to the side to face him.] Yeah, it wasn't the smoothest conversation we've ever had, but it was... definitive? [When someone tells you if you step out of the door you can't come back, it's pretty final. At least, she knows when Philip Monroe said it.]
[And she nods, because she didn't expect him to keep this from Damon or Elena, and she wouldn't want him to. There's a small corner of her chest that clenches, that remembers this is her father, questionable choices or not, but it is what it is.
They're not on the same side.]
It doesn't hurt me. [That's not even really a lie. She's being very honest with him. The sadness and the heaviness and everything about tonight has been for other reasons. When it comes to his leaving, when it comes to being on her own, she just feels numb about it. There's no active hurt.]
I don't think I feel anything about it anymore. I don't know if it's a good thing or not.
[She looks down at their hands, and she squeezes his own back before she opens her palm against his, splaying their fingers together.]
Yeah, free room and board sounds good and I like it there as it is. I only really need somewhere to sleep.
[There's a small pause at what he says, and Sarah turns to him.
There's surprise, and she doesn't know why, only that there is. She stays silent initially, looking at the space between them, but when she gazes up at him, there's the tiniest smile, but it's warm.]
Jeremy. [The fondness is unmistakable in her voice.] You live with at least five people. Does Martha let you ask people to move in for days at a time at random?
[Jeremy feels like he understands as well as he can, but he knows that there are parts of it that she cannot express fully, parts of it that he will never be able to handle.
He remembers everything that she has told him about what it’s like to be an angel, how it feels. Jeremy remembers her telling him what it’s like, that it’s like living with a shadow across the pavement. He can see it, see the differences between when the angel is very strong and when it’s more Sarah.
Even before she explained it to him, Jeremy recognized it, recognized when he found her on the street.
He didn’t need to read any textbook to understand how dangerous it could be, how hard it was on her, on her mind and her body.
It was written all over her, and he knew her well enough to tell. Jeremy thinks a part of him knew long before it, but he refused to acknowledge it.]
I don’t know. I’d rather have no dreams at all, but I kind of got used to them? So they bother me when I’m having them, but it… doesn’t really last after that. It’s like having a nightmare about anything. [And there is plenty in his life to have nightmares about. There are endless memories that can and do occur to him while he sleeps, making that sleep restless.] …what?
[Jeremy sees that concerned look, wonders what she’s thinking about. But he is okay at the end of the day. He’s alright. Jeremy died, but he’s alive now and he has purpose here. More than that, none of them are really supposed to be in Chicago, none of the wanderers. In that way, he can’t really feel like… like he doesn’t fit or shouldn’t be here, not any more than anyone else.
Sometimes he wonders why he’s still alive, but it makes it easier not being in Mystic Falls.] Yeah, I remember. Still… I don’t like it when you hurt. Even knowing… it’s something that happens. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
[There is so much that he and his sister have been through. They’ve lost so much. They’ve seen so much, and they have had to deal with things that are so much bigger than them. His sister has especially been through so much, and Jeremy had been angry at her for decisions she’d made for him.
But he no longer feels that anger, surrounded by so much, they make the choices that they can make. They do the best, but they’re bound to make mistakes, and Jeremy understands that now. He’s grown up to the point where he can understand it, and Jeremy can’t blame her for those actions anymore.
He’s forgiven her, and they have a better relationship now where they have trust, where they’re open and communicating with each other.
Jeremy knows he can come to Sarah with anything and everything, and he trusts her completely. He knows if there was anyone that could help him with this, it’d be her, not because of her connection with the dead but because of her, because of who she is.]
Yeah, it’s pretty terrible… and he was different back then so. [so he wasn’t a psychotic asshole. Whoever he was, it’s not something anyone deserves.] Yeah, I don’t… think you can. Even then, I don’t know if it works.
[FWAUGH, Elena. ;_; Jeremy will never forget Damon carrying her dead body either even if he knew that she should come back, that the spell should work. He didn’t know for sure until she took that breath, and the relief could flood through him again.]
They’re a lot cooler. I’d rather learn how to use those anyway.
[Jeremy smiles back at her, looking at her fondly.
He looks over at her when she looks up at the ceiling, and he look at her in turn.] Definitive is… at least you don’t have to… deal with that anymore. [It’s some small silver lining in a whole very dark situation that he hates, that angers him too.
It’s her father, and it means something. He should be on her side. Jeremy’s parents were always on his side even if he lost them far too early.
There’s no judgment when she says that it doesn’t hurt her. Jeremy looks at her with concern, but he doesn’t know if it is a good or a bad thing. He really doesn’t. There are times that he’s felt numb and then he’s felt it all, it’s all piled up and shoved itself into him later.]
I don’t know either. …I think you can’t force yourself to feel something, and sometimes you have to be numb to it before you can even react.
[Jeremy presses his hand against hers and nods in answer. A small smile is on his face, and he thought she’d move there.]
Yeah, guess at the end of the day, it’s all you really need. Somewhere to sleep, somewhere that’s… safe. Minus the ghosts, but only the nice ones are left last I heard.
[He is watching her reaction carefully.
Because he has been thinking about it ever since she showed up at his window not long ago. It’s why he already asked Martha at least about it, because he can’t think of anything better than spending as much time before Christmas with her as possible.]
Sarah. [Jeremy smiles at her, laughing at the question.] Yeah, I already asked Martha. If you want me to put out a poll instead, I could… but I promise you it’d be okay.
[And he shouldn't have to handle them. She wouldn't want him to.
Aside from that night Elizabeth and Josef died, when the Calling's near a reset, Sarah is aware enough to avoid people when it gets really bad, or there's just so much exhaustion she sleeps it off anyway. It has nothing to do with not wanting help or not trusting or any of that.
It's just too much for any one person.
She thinks most angels and demons do something similar unless the Calling forces you outside, forces you to find a victim.
You have to protect the people you care about.
Even if that sometimes means protecting them from yourself. Especially then.]
Yeah, that makes sense. It does. I'm still hoping we can find a way that you don't... get to have them that much anymore, if at all. [And she glances up at him, surprised by his question, the way he asks it, and shakes her head, almost smiling at him guiltily.] Nothing. I was just trying to piece everything together.
[She's thinking about a lot of things but until she can put them together in a manner that remotely resembles something cohesive, they're just things she's trying to piece together. If there's something she thinks will help, she'll tell him.]
If it helps, I'm pissed, too? [... Sarah, that is not helpful :|
But no, she is. Pissed at Damon for snapping his neck, pissed teenagers like Jeremy and Elizabeth get shot and killed and they're not even to blame for why those guns are charging forward in the first place, pissed at the world for being as sucky as it can be sometimes.
Pissed that she can still feel like sometimes it's so pointless when it ends doomed, when it ends in death and madness, and she just read a book about all the reasons why it's not pointless and she believes that.]
That's kind of scary. How much someone, anyone can change, depending on the circumstances you're given. [No one's born with evil or hate inside of them. It's made. Made by the world, or made by whatever reasons but it's something that turns you into someone unrecognizable.
She wonders if that could ever happen to her. She secretly thinks it could.
When she hates, she hates.]
Me too. I took fencing lessons but that was... a really long time ago.
[She tilts her head as if thinking back, because fencing is a thing amongst trust fund babies, don't you know, and while she hated everything trust fund baby, she kind of liked those, and then she smiles back at him, just as fondly.
Sarah bites the insides of her cheeks and nods at him, looking up at the ceiling still because there's that feeling like there are needles in her throat. He's right and she knows it, and he lost his parents so there's no way that he can't understand what it's like to have that absence of both.] I know. I just.
[And she hates what she's about to say, what it sounds like why am i so easy to leave behind?, it's so teenager and emo but.] It was so easy for him.
[It's when he answers her that she turns sideways again to face him.] I think so. I mean, I know somewhere deep down I'm sad and angry about it, I just... can't bring myself to feel it.
[Sarah also can't quite bring herself to smile back, but her expression toward him, aimed at him, is warm. It was the first place she thought of moving. It means more people, a lot more people, people that die and go missing all the time but Charlie's there and they can do good and that's
It's comforting. It is. She wants to do good. She does.]
Guess so. And hey, there's a lot of morbid, interesting, strange conversations I can have with ghosts. They'll be my minions before you know it.
[She's not serious. Not... really.
Sarah swallows past that still-there-feeling. Needles in her throat. But it breaks into a smile, a genuine, warm, almost bright smile when he says her name like that.]
Okay. [Quiet, but so earnest. She'll stay with him for Christmas. What was left of her family is long gone now but she can spend it with him and his.
She's not alone, and he always reminds her of the fact.]
[It doesn’t stop Jeremy from wanting to help even if he would understand the reasoning behind trying to keep him from it.
Jeremy would be more than happy being there with her every time that she needed it, every time that she was similar to what he was when she wandered the street. He would want to be there with her to remind her of Sarah, to hold her while he slept as if that would keep her in place, as if that would keep her with him.
He would want to do that for her.
He would want it more than he can really express, but if he were in her position, he’d likely do the very same.
Jeremy would avoid people when he was in that state, but he would want to stay with her, he would want to reach out to her. He wouldn’t want her to protect him from herself.
But he understands the need, the desire, the want for it.]
I hope we can too. I mean I’d like to avoid it if at all possible, but there’s… I think that they happen if you build up a lot of memories like that. It might be unavoidable, I don’t know. [He shakes his head, looking over at her, noting the surprise on her face. He smiles back at her.] Oh, okay. If you get any ideas, you should let me know. I appreciate your opinion.
[And he knows that she would. There aren’t secrets between them, and there never will be. He trusts her, and she trusts him too. They’re best friends first, and they always look out for each other first, which makes all the difference. He’s never had a relationship like this one before. Vicki was barely a relationship based on sex and drugs. Anna started out being about betrayal and using each other. Bonnie, he was the kid brother who suddenly got hot to her.]
I… don’t know if that really helps? [And he laughs a little, tilting his head as he look at her.] I don’t like when you’re angry either especially cause of me. There’s enough to be angry at, but I know… why you would be.
It makes me angry too.
[All of it. There’s so much to be pissed about, and the list is endless. He used to be so angry, all the time. He could feel empty and angry at the same time, and it wouldn’t really seem to end, because he found one thing after another to hate, to be angry about.
He still gets pissed sometimes. Ahem, if his fight with Carter says anything, he gets more than pissed sometimes, at the unfairness of it all, but he’s still here.]
…yeah, it really is scary. It’s life, I guess, but I hate that so much of someone can change because of what’s going on around them. I’ve heard people say that before about Chicago, how it changes you. [You live long enough in Chicago to die or to become insane. It’s really scary to think about, but he can’t hep thinking about it.
No one can really.]
Did you? That kind of sounds like it could be fun, actually fun.
[The expression on her face has him smiling back at her. He ducks his head for a moment before he meets her gaze again, fond smile on his face.
Jeremy looks at her. His hand rests against her stomach as she lies down against the back of the bed. He knows what it’s like to not have his parents, it’s true, but he is grateful that he got to know them both and they got to know him too and show how much they loved him all the time. It’s something Sarah never got, and he knows that’s something he couldn’t understand.
He’s quiet as he waits for her to respond, and he closes his eyes at what she ays. It doesn’t sound teenager to him, not for a moment. Jeremy shifts until he’s lying beside her but over her so he’s looking down at her while she looks up..] …it shouldn’t have been. If he knew you, if he was any kind of father, it couldn’t have been. You are amazing.
[ His hand slides across her face, and he knows that this doesn’t fix anything. It’s her father. He should love her and know her. She isn’t easy to leave behind, never.] Maybe you will at some point, but it’s… okay you don’t feel it yet.
[It’s okay, and someday she will, but she doesn’t have to right now. He spent so much time numb that he’ll never try to make someone else try to feel something before they’re ready to do it.
She does do good. Jeremy is card of her moving into the Tower, much as he figured she would, but she already does good and she’ll do more.]
If anyone could have a bunch of minions, it’d be you.
[Minions of the ghosts or anything else, but he’s smirking at her since obviously she wouldn’t have actual minions.
He breaks into a smile of his own that matches hers when she gives it to him, and Jeremy leans in to press a kiss against her lips. It’s the best Christmas gift for him, and he’l be happy to have her.]
Okay. [Jeremy says in agreement and then he looks sideways at her, shaking his head.]
You don’t have to thank me. All sorts of things go hand in hand with loving and knowing you.
[ Jeremy already helps in so many different ways, more than she can say.
And since the night Elizabeth and Josef died, it honestly hasn't gotten anywhere near that bad, anywhere near that close of a call. He took care of her, went to lengths to get her address to check up on her even before they became as close as they did. And she'll never forget that, how he and Martha and Elena looked after her.
Without having that, if she'd have just stayed in this empty house by herself instead, she doesn't know what would've happened.
Doesn't really want to imagine it, either.
She's been able to pull through from that experience, and it's been in large part because of him, because of how he understands, doesn't judge or expect her to be someone she's not. ]
I know. I mean, I've had bad dreams of my own since... you know. Maybe it's something we can only finish dealing with subconsciously, while the rest of us moves on. I can't really be sure. [ Sarah smiles back at him, a hand over his heart. ] I will get back to you. We'll figure this out, Jeremy, if there's something to figure out.
[ Maybe it really is what he says. Just so much bad stuff happening his brain still needs to process. Maybe it's his being brought back twice and falling through the Rift so shortly after. There's no way to be sure but she won't leave him alone with it. The love she feels for him stems beyond the platonic but being his best friend always comes first to that.
Because even then she knew that he needed that more. The way she needed it more, too.
A friend. A constant. ]
Oh. Then never mind. [ She wrinkles her nose, but she grins a little when he laughs, since she likes hearing him laugh. Life can such a lot of the time--okay, most of the time--but they should get to laugh. ] Hey, you've been angry on my behalf plenty of times. Just consider this the tipping of the scales.
[ But she knows what he means, and she's not going to do anything impulsive or rash about it, will try very hard not to. She just can't help it, either.
And she looks up at him when he agrees it makes him angry also, and she steps forward again, small arms winding around his middle for a tight hug. She's seen firsthand the anger, what it can lead to, what it means for him, but she's still here, too. It's okay to be angry sometimes, she said to him once, unless it consumes.
She still needs her anger. ]
I've heard that, too. I've seen it but it never really gets easier. It doesn't always change you for worse, though. I've seen a lot of people become stronger, too. [ It comes at a very heavy price but she wants to believe not all the changes can lead down that road, doesn't want to think of any of them becoming someone they wouldn't recognize.
Becoming the monsters that sometimes win. ]
I did. I could give you lessons sometime. It's not always you're going to get a girl offering to teach you about big swords, Jeremy.
[ She is clearly still teasing, because she likes that fond smile on his face, the way he ducks his head sometimes, still capable of the emotion that leads to the gesture.
Sarah releases a breath, turning sideways to face him, a hand slipping to rest over his at her stomach. On the same vein, she couldn't understand exactly his kind of loss. To get to know his parents, to have that relationship with them, and then lose them. But a loss is a loss, and they don't have to experience the exact same things to be understanding, to not be alone with it.
She is still looking up, over at the collage, but once he blocks it from view, she's looking right up at him, and swallows. The words reach her, right in the chest, and she places her hands on either of his arms while he's above her. ]
We've talked about this. You're my best friend. You kind of have to say these things.
[ But they stay with her, the words, and she smiles at him, a little bit vulnerably, before she leans up to him to rest her mouth against his.
And maybe she will. Maybe it'll remain in that icy part of her that doesn't do anything but give to the coldness, or maybe it'll all come to a head. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise right now that she can't. She does know if anything does happen, she can come to him. She always seems to. ]
It is one of my many talents. Just don't go around telling anyone, least of all those that already live there. I would like the element of surprise.
[ Sarah levels a smirk right back at him, but it shifts quickly into a smile when he returns it so earnestly. She leans in when he does, hands framing either side of his face to kiss him back. When it ends, she remains close enough to rest her forehead against his, and it hits her. ]
I love you. Too. [ Her fingers gently trace his mouth after he's kissed her.
He'd said it before and in her concern over making sure Jeremy was okay, she hadn't stopped long enough to say it back. And she knows she doesn't need to do that, either, but she wants to, because it's true. Amidst many things she knows aren't real, aren't true, there's that one truth and she holds onto it. For as long as she can, for as long as she's allowed. ]
And I know I don't have to but I want to. Most of all, I'm just... grateful I get to stay.
[Jeremy knows that he does help, and he’s glad that he does, because he love her and he wants to be able to help her if he can.
She needed help at that time, and he’s glad that he didn’t wait around, that he went and broke into the school records to find her address. Somehow without knowing, he knew. Maybe it was just his habit of jumping to the worst conclusions, because the worst conclusions tended to be right. He knew that something had happened, and there was really nowhere else in Chicago that he should be.
He didn’t waste any time after that, and he found her on the street and then took her back to his home as soon as he could.
Jeremy still remembers what it was like to find her there. He’ll never forget. It’ll stay with him.]
Yeah, I know. I think it’s just something that happens maybe even after you’ve dealt with it. It’s your brains way of… processing everything while your body rests. I don’t really know either. [Jeremy admits though he smiles back at her, slipping his own hand over the hand of hers that rests against his heart.] Got it. You’re right. We will figure it out.
[If there’s anything to figure out. Either that or it will pop up when they all least expect it, the answers, the truth to whatever it is and whatever it means. There’s not a lot that they can do about it right now though when it’s just dream and this sometimes feeling of offness.
They won’t leave each other alone with anything, not through whatever comes ahead and there’s no way to tell now what will come ahead.
But a friend, a constant. There’s the something more, but that’s not what it’s all based on and that makes such a difference.
And he laughs gently at the nose wrinkling.] It’s cool. I mean I want you to be honest about it, but it doesn’t help much knowing you’re pissed even if there’s a whole lot to be pissed about. [An endless list, he smirks back at her after the laughter fades.] Yeah, that’s… true. I guess I can let you have a turn this time. I’m pretty generous sometimes.
[They can’t help their emotions, and Jeremy knows that very intimately. If they could, life would be a lot different. It wouldn’t be worth much at all if someone could turn off and on their feelings mechanically, whenever they wanted.
She has seen what becomes of him, the aftermath of his anger. It’s not pretty. It lead to him getting his ass kicked worse than he ever had before. If Alek hadn’t been with him, he would have come out of it needing a trip to the hospital.
But they’re both still here. Anger is necessary sometimes. It’s better than numbness. It keeps them on their feet. It keeps them fighting.]
I think I might have to take you up on those lessons. Yeah, I know. Very rare. Wouldn’t be good of me to like… squander it or something.
[There’s a small smile on his face, because he’s trying to sound like an adult might about an Opportunity Given though it does actually sound pretty awesome. He never really thought about fencing before, but it wasn’t really in the circles where he lived before. The Gilberts were well off, but they weren’t exactly high society either.
Jeremy looks at her, openly, and with fondness. They may not know what it is like to experience that specific kind of loss, but they are both so familiar with loss. Loss I a los, and there’s so much of it in this city.
He looks down at her as she looks up at him, seeing her swallow, seeing the words hit. Jeremy’s grateful that they do seem to hit, and he smirk at what she says, shaking his head.]
I don’t have to. I think we’ve talked about this too, Sarah. I’m your best friend so I know you best.
[It’s still her father, and he knows that the fact that she was so easily left by him will stay with her. It should, but he hopes his words do too, hopes they can combat those feelings that being abandoned may have left her with.
Jeremy leans down to capture her mouth with his own when she leans up. He smiles against her lips, one hand cupping the side of her face before she pulls back and he moves in turn to the side of her again.]
Don’t worry, Sarah. It’ll be a secret with me. I promise you that. Anyone else that wants to know about your many talents will have to learn about them for themselves.
[Jeremy smiles faintly, forehead resting against hers as he takes in a long breath that centers him, makes him feel more whole. He feels it too. It hits him too when she says those words back to him.
He’s known for a long time, but it’s something different being able to say the words, haring them in turn. Jeremy’d been so caught up in his own concern when she was making sure he was okay that he’d missed hearing it that first time himself.]
I’m…
I’m really, really grateful too. That's... kind of putting it lightly, but yeah. [he still remembers the strength of the fear that shot through him when he thought she’d have to move. His hand rests against her hand, and he links their fingers together.] C'mon, I'll help you pack. I brought my car so it'll be easier to transport anything you need.
[ Sarah isn't going to be forgetting that night any time soon.
She won't be forgetting at all. Time has an inexplicable way of making things seem farther away and closer than ever before, both at the same time. Sarah wakes up every day, and she feels both closer and farther to that night than she ever did when it actually happened. It can feel like it happened just yesterday on some days and it can feel like it happened years ago on others.
It's still not something she is ever going to forget.
A big part of her unwillingness to bend to rules anymore, a big part of her ability to finally stand up to her father comes with knowing what they do, and the life that they took.
She vowed Elizabeth's death would not be in vain, and as long as she's alive, she is going to do everything within her power so that that remains true. ]
Wonderful! We can both be equally clueless together. [ The smile widens a little, before it softens back into a more serious expression, and she looks back down at their hands while they rest over his heart. There's the faint drumming of his heartbeat, a murmur against her palm, one more piece of evidence he is very much alive. It's the only guarantee that there's ever been, and ever will be.
There's the here and the now.
Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come, and in Chicago, you either learn to live your life that way or prepare yourself for the day it comes true. And it'll come true again and again and again. There won't come a day she won't invite death in. There won't come a day the reminder of loss doesn't smack her in the face.
But if she doesn't learn to live with it, she'll make herself lose what she does have, for what little time she can have it, because self-sabotage is something she excels in without knowing it. Then she would end up alone, and it'd be all her fault.
And maybe that's worse. ] I... know. I was mostly teasing. I know none of it is really going to help right now. [ She presses her lips together, glancing back out the window for a moment. There is something about being in this room that is both a sanctuary and terrible, and she has grown so accustomed to it, doesn't balk at dichotomy, having struggled with enough contradicting emotions to learn to grapple with them.
It's the one thing she really did like about this house. The view from her window. Do the rooms in the Towers even have windows? She hasn't checked, and even if they did, they wouldn't--it wouldn't look like this, and that's the most pointless thing to linger on but she does, she likes this view, she likes how the sky looks from her window.
What was her window. It was all once hers and now none of it is hers.
Nothing is really hers, and there's that adrift feeling she has to shove past again. ]
I wouldn't advise you to, no. Rest assured, Mr. Gilbert, I'll give you private lessons.
[ Sarah smiles back, knowing full well what he was trying to sound like, but she wouldn't have wanted him to be in those circles. They tend to be filled with snobby people focused on vanities. She doesn't want to generalize, is aware not everyone was like that, but it felt like a great deal of them were, and it was all so hollow and superficial, she couldn't stand it.
She would take being a homeless orphan over living the high society life Sherri and Brooke do any. Day. Of the week.
I'm your best friend so I know best.
There's laughter bubbling up her throat, quiet but earnest. ]
[Sarah stifles back that ridiculous urge to cry when he smiles against her lips. Her hands frame either side of his face lightly, and she smiles back, past the stinging in her eyes, shifting back in place when he moves to her side again. She doesn't look back out the window. She looks at him, fondly, this very beautiful boy that reminds her of loss and fire and Ferris Wheels. ]
Thank you, Jeremy. I appreciate this duplicity of yours. I hadn't seen that side of you but it's strangely appealing.
[ Her eyes close by their own volition when she feels his forehead rest against hers. Sarah rests her lips against the corner of his mouth and says it again. I love you. There is no way to stress enough just how little of a guarantee anything is with her, unless it's messy and mad and something of a wreck, but at least she can say with full honesty that has always been true, will always be true.
Sarah's eyes close, and she breathes, breathes, breathes, and finds herself centered, too.
Until he mentions transport, and her hand tightens in his for a moment, almost as if stopping him from moving. Panic lodges up her throat and there's a moment where she just wants to back away, back into a corner, not move, not do anything, but she knows she has to. There are times when you can't just stay as you are, and you have to move forward, take just what you need, and be on your way.
Sarah bites the insides of her cheeks. ] Okay. I don't--I don't have much left to pack.
[ Her grip on his fingers lessens but she stands from the bed, legs shaky, and somehow, she ends up placing the rest of her belongings in boxes until the room is empty.
It's empty, and she doesn't cry when she turns the light off and shuts the door and they leave the mansion, once and for all.
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[action]
Jeremy would fight off that ice for her each and every time, but he knows. He knows from his reading that it's not that simple, and there are times when he wouldn't be able to fight it off.
He knows. He read that entry, and he knows she could have gone over to see it for certain, but she's here and it wasn't that long ago that she spoke to her friend. And he doesn't think it's cowardly while knowing why she would feel that way.
Jeremy smirks a little back, and his hand drifts to the corner of her mouth as if tracing that smirk.]
Very shiny. Long way to go before we have to worry. We can. I'd go with you.
[He really would despite the fact that they were joking.
Jeremy wouldn't let herself be heavy with it always. The joking helps. If he helps and he knows he does, he's there, right there with her until she can smirk again, smile again, as soft as it may be.
It's strange because he can feel the shift from ice cold to something warmer, to more like she feels on an ordinary day to him. He smiles at her and places his lips against her chin, gently, kissing.]
Okay, then together lets not ever imagine it, alright?
[Jeremy is aware that it's not that simple, not for her. He imagines what it'd be like to find her... dead, dying, more times than he can list. Those are the scary dreams. Those are the nightmares.
He smiles just before she place the kiss against the corner of his mouth, and he rests a hand on the back of her neck to bring her in again after she's said Okay and he kisses her, directly on the lips and smiles against them.
Jeremy winces. He knew that she'd react that way.]
They were having an argument in her room. He was... touching her and that's my sister. I overheard and waked in on it, and... he broke my neck. He used to be-- He's changed. [And he doesn't know how he believes and trusts that Damon won't kill him anymore. Jeremy knows now to avoid him when he's that emotional.
He knows what an emotional Damon will do. He's still capable of killing, but Jeremy does trust and believe that Damon's number one concern is protecting his sister. And that includes him.
His hands slip up over her hands as they rest against his neck, and he smiles at her in an attempt to be reassuring. Jeremy understands completely, and it's not until she says she feels it that tears actually burn in his eyes. It feels like he's been hit, like something sharp has slid into him and he looks down, the tears burning at his eyes.]
No. [It's said softly, and he looks up at her, shaking his head as he looks at her.] I'm sorry that you have to feel it every single time.
If my feeling it, going there means you have someone that understands, I'm... it makes me more okay with it. [It gives some point and purpose to both of his deaths, to his coming back from them too.]
[action]
It hurts to lose. Every time, it doesn't change. If Dylan dies, it'll hurt like it hurt with Elizabeth. There's a part of her that wants to fight it, that wants to refuse to accept the possibility, and there's the other side of her that understands. This is her choice, it's the only thing she can live with, and you have to let them go.
There always seems to be less of you once you do.
There is a quiet, subdued grin when his hand traces her mouth. ]
... You would?
[ She had been joking, hadn't meant to take it seriously, but the idea is strangely appealing. Letting one's self go, fall, without the bottom dropping out.
Sarah feels it, too. Almost instantly. She can tell when the angel quiets, when it retreats, and she takes another small breath, arms tightening their hold against his neck because it's all these things she loves that keep her human, that remind her she's alive when everything else is just death, it's losing, it's reminders that things always, always end and it's a hollow place.
Then she sees his face, and he smiles at her, or kisses her like he does now, and it's like inviting the warmth back in. She remembers she's alive. ]
I'll try not to. I'm getting better at it, I think.
[ It's spoken barely above a whisper. It's not that simple, no, and it's just as easy to imagine him dying, imagine him in the hollow place.
And so she holds on tighter. She kisses him fully when he brings her in again, does not hold back, does not think to.
And she remembers they're somewhere else. ]
That's... that's horrible. I believe you when you say he has, and I still plan being careful around him, but that just--[ She literally does not have words for it. It's even more amazing to her, Elena and Jeremy not only still talking to Damon but trusting him with what they do.
At the same time, it doesn't really surprise her. It's who they are. ] He didn't... he had nothing to do with the second time, did he?
[ Tears prick at her own eyes, and her hands slip up and down his neck, as if also reassuring. She doesn't want to picture it but she can, she can picture him dying because he did, and a tear finally slides down her cheek when he looks down, because it hadn't ever registered just how much he does. Understand.
And she laughs almost disbelievingly, brokenly, because of what he says, it is such a Jeremy thing to say, and she thinks she loves him a bit more. She shakes her head, blinking back the tears.] If it meant you didn't have to, you hadn't had to, I would want to. It's what I'm meant to do, even if it takes from me. I think if ... it means I can understand at least a little, I'm more okay with it, too.
[ It's not the same. He is not an angel built to come back from death, which explains the weirdness, but when put into that perspective, it's easier to understand, and she has felt the same. It's not exactly the same every time. It varies with every death, some are violent and fast and some are violent and long and some are peaceful and sweet but in Chicago those are rare. ] Because we end up... back here, and that's better for me.
[action]
That can be the hardest part sometimes. The hardest part can be letting go, knowing when to let go. Jeremy will fight for someone long after they say they don't want him anymore, they don't want him fighting.
If he loves someone, he'll keep fighting and he doesn't really know how to let go. Has he ever really done so? He's moved on. But letting go is something else entirely.
He admires anyone who is able to let go, because it's-- he never can. Elena can't either. It might be another Gilbert thing.
Jeremy smiles when he sees that grin, no matter how subdued it might be.]
Yeah, I would. I'd be happy to.
[He knows she was joking, but he really would love to go with her for all those reasons that she outlined. It'd be exhilarating to fall and to fall, to let go.
It's everything they love and everything that hurts and everything that makes them happy that makes them human. The angel doesn't have room for emotions, and he doesn't have to know that, doesn't have to be an angel to sense it from the differences he's seen in her. There's such a stark difference. She's more alive as herself, and when the angel is loud, she's hollow, empty, no emotion.
Jeremy always wants to remind her that she's alive, that she's loved, that she can be warm too.]
I know it's not easy so... all I can do is ask you to try. I'm glad you're getting better at it.
[Death surrounds her enough as it is without adding to that with her imagining that he's dying, but he knows why she wouldn't be able to help imagine it.
Jeremy tightens his hold on her, and he still has her lifted up above the floor. He's taller than her so it's possible, and it's not until he sets her down again that she kisses him so fully.
his hands slide up to her face, and he answers with an intense kiss of his own.]
Yeah, it was... bad. I knew you would be careful around him anyway, but it's... it can be horrible. With him. [Sometimes he doesn't really know how they did forgive him, how Elena did especially. Jeremy forgave him first. Somehow.
But it's who they are. If he hadn't come back, he doesn't think Elena would hae forgiven him.] ...not-- Not directly. He was sick, dying, hallucinating, and I found him. I was taking him somewhere safe, and the sheriff was aiming to shoot him. Damon saw and... ran, but I was behind him so. [So he was shot instead, and he hadn't really thought of how Damon was kind of responsible for both of his deaths even if the second wasn't his fault.
Jeremy sees the tears prick at her eyes, and he slips his hand down the back of her neck. He smiles a little at her, knowing she can picture it. When he looks back up at her, he slides his finger across the tear on her face. He understands, and he could never describe before how much he can and does.
He looks at her as she laughs in that disbelieving, broken sound of hers, and Jeremy swallows thickly, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers. His hand remains against the side of her face before he pulls back at what she says. And he smiles too though there's that burning in his eyes and in his chest at what she says.] See? We... bring a little more sense to each other's lives accidentally. That's... kind of cool.
[No, it's not the same, and Jeremy still wishes that he could take it away, take away the fact that she has to lose something every time whether she's meant to do it or not. She deserves so much more. She should be happy. She should have a long and happy life.
It's so hard to hope for it when they're hit with the reality of this.] I'm glad it's better for you. It's better for me that you... understand, that I have someone who understands it.
[There's a slight pause before he tugs her on to the empty bed now too, and he looks around at her room, in the midst of packing.] ...so your dad bailed?
[action]
It sounds like it could be a lot of fun, and she isn't really in the mind frame to think of a lot of fun things, but she knows--she hopes--she feels differently about it later. She knows it's not always this heavy. She knows it's not always this cold. It goes away, and it has to come back, but there's time in between.
It's not always very much time, but it's something.
And in that time in between she can just be Sarah, and Sarah would like bungee jumping for all the reasons he would.
Even if she can't quite reach that now.]
I... am. [She thinks she is. Sometimes. There's always something that happens that has you taking a step back.] I wouldn't want it to be something at the forefront unless it gets worse for you, the weird... feeling. Unless you needed help with it or to talk about it.
Otherwise, it's something... it happened before. Before you even knew me. I shouldn't--fixate on that or bring it all back for you.
[It's the last thing she'd want to do. He understands death very well, but it's not what she actively associates him with. She would never ignore those parts of him but they aren't what define him for her, just like she is more than the angel of death, the last thing someone sees before they die.
He believes that of her and she has to believe it, too. She usually does.
Sarah smiles a little at him when his hands touch her face, smiles past that restless feeling that's making her fingertips itch, and she closes her hand over her own arm.]
I'm sorry. That you and your sister had to go through that. I wonder what... he was like before he became a vampire. [How the nature of the vampire influenced him or if he was already capable of something like that. Sarah tends to think he probably wasn't, and even knowing this about him, he's still... a person. Capable of horrible things, but a person.
If Jeremy hadn't come back from that, Elena would've never forgiven him, no. She would've hated Damon for as long as she lived.] Oh. [Her voice is small, almost inaudible, and she's shorter than him, enough that her eye level is at his chest, not that she knows that's where he was shot, but it's where she's looking, biting the insides of her cheek.]
That... must've been really scary. I hate guns.
[Both of his deaths were so violent. His neck was snapped. Then he was shot.
Elizabeth was shot. Josef was shot. That's how they died, too. Bullet pierces your heart and you're done. She shakes her head against him once he rests his forehead with hers, swallowing back another sound and there's a burning in her own chest and it's never fair. She manages another smile when he says it's kind of cool, pads of her fingers now warmer on his skin.]
It's the strangest thing I know. [She leans forward, placing a soft kiss on his neck, shoving aside the rest.
She goes where he tugs and she lets herself fall onto the bed, her back against the mattress. She looks up at the ceiling and nods at him once with a small sigh, before turning to him with a wry smile.] I'm officially disowned. He's probably halfway cross the ocean now. At least he agreed to the arrangement.
[It meant getting her hands dirty but it wasn't as hard as she thought. She doesn't know what that says about her.] He'll keep up the pretense as long as I don't incriminate him personally. The weird thing is some of his friends and their families are also bailing. It's like they were asked to leave.
The Crowbar works with Damon so I imagine they both have the addresses now. To keep an eye on the families that take up residence. In case... [Her voice trails off and she shrugs a slim shoulder almost helplessly. There are a lot of case scenarios, and she looks back at the ceiling, the eclectic collage she made and hung up there that she'll have to take down.]
It's better this way.
[action]
It’s not always this heavy, but he understands how death will linger, how it will touch everything especially for her in a way that he won’t be able to understand. Her relationship with death is something that he’ll never be able to experience, but there is so much more to her than that.
There’s Sarah too. There’s not only an angel of death, and they will go bungee jumping, because they want to.
Because it’s living. It’s fun. It would be theirs.
A moment that can’t be taken away. He wants them to go.]
Okay, good. I get why it’d be difficult. [he gets why those step backs will happen sometimes.] It hasn’t gotten worse at all for me. It’s been better for the most part. Sometimes I still have dreams like I did the other night, but it’s not… it hasn’t been worse.
I’d let you know if it did, and we’d talk about it, but I don’t want it on the forefront of your mind either. I get if you did… fixate, but I wouldn’t want you to. I wouldn’t… want that knowledge to hurt you any longer than it already has.
[It’s not his fault obviously, but he can’t help but feel bad that he could bring any of that sadness to her even if it’s understandable. She would obviously get sad learning about something like that. Who wouldn’t? There’s just been enough sadness and hurt in her life to last a lifetime already, and he doesn’t want to be a part of it even knowing logically that it’s a part of loving someone.
No, it’s never what defines her in his eyes. He never sees her as an angel, as an angel of death.
He sees her as Sarah, and it’s nothing that will change, never. Even if he does live long enough to see her lose her mind (and it’s a terrifying thought that he doesn’t let stick with him) and she became all angel, he would still remember Sarah as she is and has been with him. Nothing could tarnish that. Nothing ever will.
Jeremy smiles back at her just a little as if he can sense that sadness lingering, clinging to her. His hand rests over her hand.]
Yeah, I’m… sorry too. That it even happened. I’m… not sure what he used to be like. He was in love with someone that’s… who turned him. He wanted to be with her forever, and she… made him think she’d died and abandoned him. [Jeremy shakes his head. He knows what happened, but he still doesn’t know exactly what Damon used to be, but he wouldn’t think that he was a killer when he was human.
Fff, Elena. ;; And Damon knows that for sure. It’s part of why he is trying so hard to protect Jeremy too in this world, and he doesn’t want her going through any more loss.
He winces at her reaction. The ‘oh’ hits him right in the chest, but he doesn’t look away from her even if she’s staring at his chest. He stretches his hand out to rest against the side of her face again.]
Yeah, it was. I… kinda do too.
[Hate guns, which is obvious now likely considering one hit him in his chest.
Death via a bullet happens fairly fast, but the neck breaking was still less painful because it happened in an instant. He shakes his head too, pushing that away for the time being as he doesn’t want her to linger on it. Jeremy smiles back at her, looking at her face as if searching it, to see if she’s okay, if she’s better, knowing there’s so little he can do.]
Me too. The strangest thing. [His hands wrap around her waist when she kisses him on the neck.]
/kicks him into the sun >:O
[It says she’s willing to do what it takes to do what’s right. …get out of here JerBear] …that is really weird. I wonder if it means something. I’ll have to tell Damon, I guess, and Elena.
[Jeremy nods when she says In case… because there are so many possibilities, and she says It’s better this way, but it would be better if her father had acted like her father to begin with. It would be better if she didn’t have to hurt, and the anger slides through him.]
But it still hurts, it still... shouldn't be this way. [And he reaches for her hand to hold it, squeeze it tight.]
…are you moving into the Tower?
Cause… I was thinking that maybe you could move in with us until Christmas, I mean. I know there’s not much room and you might want your own space, but you could pack a bag for the next ten days.
…you could think of it as your Christmas gift to me. [And he thinks it would be good for her too to spend some time there. He doesn’t know if she’d want to or be up for it, but he really wants to her to stay with them.
At least until Christmas.]
[action] D: noooo /protects him from the sun :C
The best she ever came up with was when she told him it was kind of like the shadow on the pavement when you walk, only the Calling is a constant shadow, and they don't always want different things. The angel often wants isolation. It's very cold. It's aware of things that must end and that she must bring the end to it.
She and Adrien discussed a painting the one time, fire and ice, and what happens when you're one or the other.
But what happens if you have both? she asked him, and she didn't need to.
They both knew the answer. They both knew that that's where the madness lies.]
It doesn't bother you at all? Having dreams about it? I mean, I guess if you've been having them recurringly... [There's a small, concerned frown on her face as she thinks over it, and if it means anything. If it does mean anything, why. If it's connected to how shortly he fell through after he was brought back from death.] Okay, that's... all I wanted to know.
[Sarah doesn't need to know details. She doesn't need to know the whole story. As long as he's okay, that's what matters most to her. She smiles at him a little sadly.] We were preparing ourselves for more hurt along the way, remember? It's just something that happens when you care. I wouldn't want it any other way.
[And it's understandable that he doesn't want to hurt anyone with the knowledge, but he's the one that went through something like that. He's the one that she's focusing on. That it hurts is just consequential of what he means to her, and the enormity of what he's been through.
It's one more inkling of just what life was like for him, how much he's had to go through, and how that's affected him. She doesn't want to ignore it, especially if it's not something that's still coming to the surface, even in small ways. It's happening for a reason, isn't it? Something that's unresolved.
She would want to help him with it as he has already helped her with so many things.
The way he would help her if the roles were reversed.]
That's a terrible thing to do, regardless of whether it's Damon or not. [She quiets though, because there are a lot of reasons why someone turns, but wanting to be with someone forever seems to be a recurring thing.] I guess you can't really be with someone like that forever unless it's... becoming like them.
[It's also part of why Elena's more overprotective, even then she'd already been. Because of what's happened to Jeremy and how that never leaves her, not holding him dead in the floor and not him asking her why people have to keep doing on him. It took her a long time to get past what happened that night with Damon.
Sarah bites on her lip, only looking back up at him when she feels his hand on her face, trying to shove that lingering sadness back down her throat.]
I don't... blame you. [She looks down at his hands, finding them with her own, squeezing them once in reassurance.] Crossbows are cooler. Swords, too.
[She smiles a bit, clearly saying this to add some levity to the conversation, even if she means it.
Sarah's looking up at the ceiling, but she feels his eyes on her so she also shifts to the side to face him.] Yeah, it wasn't the smoothest conversation we've ever had, but it was... definitive? [When someone tells you if you step out of the door you can't come back, it's pretty final. At least, she knows when Philip Monroe said it.]
no subject
They're not on the same side.]
It doesn't hurt me. [That's not even really a lie. She's being very honest with him. The sadness and the heaviness and everything about tonight has been for other reasons. When it comes to his leaving, when it comes to being on her own, she just feels numb about it. There's no active hurt.]
I don't think I feel anything about it anymore. I don't know if it's a good thing or not.
[She looks down at their hands, and she squeezes his own back before she opens her palm against his, splaying their fingers together.]
Yeah, free room and board sounds good and I like it there as it is. I only really need somewhere to sleep.
[There's a small pause at what he says, and Sarah turns to him.
There's surprise, and she doesn't know why, only that there is. She stays silent initially, looking at the space between them, but when she gazes up at him, there's the tiniest smile, but it's warm.]
Jeremy. [The fondness is unmistakable in her voice.] You live with at least five people. Does Martha let you ask people to move in for days at a time at random?
no subject
He remembers everything that she has told him about what it’s like to be an angel, how it feels. Jeremy remembers her telling him what it’s like, that it’s like living with a shadow across the pavement. He can see it, see the differences between when the angel is very strong and when it’s more Sarah.
Even before she explained it to him, Jeremy recognized it, recognized when he found her on the street.
He didn’t need to read any textbook to understand how dangerous it could be, how hard it was on her, on her mind and her body.
It was written all over her, and he knew her well enough to tell. Jeremy thinks a part of him knew long before it, but he refused to acknowledge it.]
I don’t know. I’d rather have no dreams at all, but I kind of got used to them? So they bother me when I’m having them, but it… doesn’t really last after that. It’s like having a nightmare about anything. [And there is plenty in his life to have nightmares about. There are endless memories that can and do occur to him while he sleeps, making that sleep restless.] …what?
[Jeremy sees that concerned look, wonders what she’s thinking about. But he is okay at the end of the day. He’s alright. Jeremy died, but he’s alive now and he has purpose here. More than that, none of them are really supposed to be in Chicago, none of the wanderers. In that way, he can’t really feel like… like he doesn’t fit or shouldn’t be here, not any more than anyone else.
Sometimes he wonders why he’s still alive, but it makes it easier not being in Mystic Falls.] Yeah, I remember. Still… I don’t like it when you hurt. Even knowing… it’s something that happens. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
[There is so much that he and his sister have been through. They’ve lost so much. They’ve seen so much, and they have had to deal with things that are so much bigger than them. His sister has especially been through so much, and Jeremy had been angry at her for decisions she’d made for him.
But he no longer feels that anger, surrounded by so much, they make the choices that they can make. They do the best, but they’re bound to make mistakes, and Jeremy understands that now. He’s grown up to the point where he can understand it, and Jeremy can’t blame her for those actions anymore.
He’s forgiven her, and they have a better relationship now where they have trust, where they’re open and communicating with each other.
Jeremy knows he can come to Sarah with anything and everything, and he trusts her completely. He knows if there was anyone that could help him with this, it’d be her, not because of her connection with the dead but because of her, because of who she is.]
Yeah, it’s pretty terrible… and he was different back then so. [so he wasn’t a psychotic asshole. Whoever he was, it’s not something anyone deserves.] Yeah, I don’t… think you can. Even then, I don’t know if it works.
[FWAUGH, Elena. ;_; Jeremy will never forget Damon carrying her dead body either even if he knew that she should come back, that the spell should work. He didn’t know for sure until she took that breath, and the relief could flood through him again.]
They’re a lot cooler. I’d rather learn how to use those anyway.
[Jeremy smiles back at her, looking at her fondly.
He looks over at her when she looks up at the ceiling, and he look at her in turn.] Definitive is… at least you don’t have to… deal with that anymore. [It’s some small silver lining in a whole very dark situation that he hates, that angers him too.
It’s her father, and it means something. He should be on her side. Jeremy’s parents were always on his side even if he lost them far too early.
There’s no judgment when she says that it doesn’t hurt her. Jeremy looks at her with concern, but he doesn’t know if it is a good or a bad thing. He really doesn’t. There are times that he’s felt numb and then he’s felt it all, it’s all piled up and shoved itself into him later.]
/COUGH COUGH cough
[Jeremy presses his hand against hers and nods in answer. A small smile is on his face, and he thought she’d move there.]
Yeah, guess at the end of the day, it’s all you really need. Somewhere to sleep, somewhere that’s… safe. Minus the ghosts, but only the nice ones are left last I heard.
[He is watching her reaction carefully.
Because he has been thinking about it ever since she showed up at his window not long ago. It’s why he already asked Martha at least about it, because he can’t think of anything better than spending as much time before Christmas with her as possible.]
Sarah. [Jeremy smiles at her, laughing at the question.] Yeah, I already asked Martha. If you want me to put out a poll instead, I could… but I promise you it’d be okay.
asldkfja LMFAO /says nothing ;xxxxxxxxx
Aside from that night Elizabeth and Josef died, when the Calling's near a reset, Sarah is aware enough to avoid people when it gets really bad, or there's just so much exhaustion she sleeps it off anyway. It has nothing to do with not wanting help or not trusting or any of that.
It's just too much for any one person.
She thinks most angels and demons do something similar unless the Calling forces you outside, forces you to find a victim.
You have to protect the people you care about.
Even if that sometimes means protecting them from yourself. Especially then.]
Yeah, that makes sense. It does. I'm still hoping we can find a way that you don't... get to have them that much anymore, if at all. [And she glances up at him, surprised by his question, the way he asks it, and shakes her head, almost smiling at him guiltily.] Nothing. I was just trying to piece everything together.
[She's thinking about a lot of things but until she can put them together in a manner that remotely resembles something cohesive, they're just things she's trying to piece together. If there's something she thinks will help, she'll tell him.]
If it helps, I'm pissed, too? [... Sarah, that is not helpful :|
But no, she is. Pissed at Damon for snapping his neck, pissed teenagers like Jeremy and Elizabeth get shot and killed and they're not even to blame for why those guns are charging forward in the first place, pissed at the world for being as sucky as it can be sometimes.
Pissed that she can still feel like sometimes it's so pointless when it ends doomed, when it ends in death and madness, and she just read a book about all the reasons why it's not pointless and she believes that.]
That's kind of scary. How much someone, anyone can change, depending on the circumstances you're given. [No one's born with evil or hate inside of them. It's made. Made by the world, or made by whatever reasons but it's something that turns you into someone unrecognizable.
She wonders if that could ever happen to her. She secretly thinks it could.
When she hates, she hates.]
Me too. I took fencing lessons but that was... a really long time ago.
[She tilts her head as if thinking back, because fencing is a thing amongst trust fund babies, don't you know, and while she hated everything trust fund baby, she kind of liked those, and then she smiles back at him, just as fondly.
Sarah bites the insides of her cheeks and nods at him, looking up at the ceiling still because there's that feeling like there are needles in her throat. He's right and she knows it, and he lost his parents so there's no way that he can't understand what it's like to have that absence of both.] I know. I just.
[And she hates what she's about to say, what it sounds like
why am i so easy to leave behind?, it's so teenager and emo but.] It was so easy for him.[It's when he answers her that she turns sideways again to face him.] I think so. I mean, I know somewhere deep down I'm sad and angry about it, I just... can't bring myself to feel it.
[Sarah also can't quite bring herself to smile back, but her expression toward him, aimed at him, is warm. It was the first place she thought of moving. It means more people, a lot more people, people that die and go missing all the time but Charlie's there and they can do good and that's
It's comforting. It is. She wants to do good. She does.]
Guess so. And hey, there's a lot of morbid, interesting, strange conversations I can have with ghosts. They'll be my minions before you know it.
[She's not serious. Not... really.
Sarah swallows past that still-there-feeling. Needles in her throat. But it breaks into a smile, a genuine, warm, almost bright smile when he says her name like that.]
Okay. [Quiet, but so earnest. She'll stay with him for Christmas. What was left of her family is long gone now but she can spend it with him and his.
She's not alone, and he always reminds her of the fact.]
Thank you, Jeremy. For all sorts of things.
jrkle;aljr LMFAO he won't stop .-.
Jeremy would be more than happy being there with her every time that she needed it, every time that she was similar to what he was when she wandered the street. He would want to be there with her to remind her of Sarah, to hold her while he slept as if that would keep her in place, as if that would keep her with him.
He would want to do that for her.
He would want it more than he can really express, but if he were in her position, he’d likely do the very same.
Jeremy would avoid people when he was in that state, but he would want to stay with her, he would want to reach out to her. He wouldn’t want her to protect him from herself.
But he understands the need, the desire, the want for it.]
I hope we can too. I mean I’d like to avoid it if at all possible, but there’s… I think that they happen if you build up a lot of memories like that. It might be unavoidable, I don’t know. [He shakes his head, looking over at her, noting the surprise on her face. He smiles back at her.] Oh, okay. If you get any ideas, you should let me know. I appreciate your opinion.
[And he knows that she would. There aren’t secrets between them, and there never will be. He trusts her, and she trusts him too. They’re best friends first, and they always look out for each other first, which makes all the difference. He’s never had a relationship like this one before. Vicki was barely a relationship based on sex and drugs. Anna started out being about betrayal and using each other. Bonnie, he was the kid brother who suddenly got hot to her.]
I… don’t know if that really helps? [And he laughs a little, tilting his head as he look at her.] I don’t like when you’re angry either especially cause of me. There’s enough to be angry at, but I know… why you would be.
It makes me angry too.
[All of it. There’s so much to be pissed about, and the list is endless. He used to be so angry, all the time. He could feel empty and angry at the same time, and it wouldn’t really seem to end, because he found one thing after another to hate, to be angry about.
He still gets pissed sometimes. Ahem, if his fight with Carter says anything, he gets more than pissed sometimes, at the unfairness of it all, but he’s still here.]
…yeah, it really is scary. It’s life, I guess, but I hate that so much of someone can change because of what’s going on around them. I’ve heard people say that before about Chicago, how it changes you. [You live long enough in Chicago to die or to become insane. It’s really scary to think about, but he can’t hep thinking about it.
No one can really.]
Did you? That kind of sounds like it could be fun, actually fun.
[The expression on her face has him smiling back at her. He ducks his head for a moment before he meets her gaze again, fond smile on his face.
Jeremy looks at her. His hand rests against her stomach as she lies down against the back of the bed. He knows what it’s like to not have his parents, it’s true, but he is grateful that he got to know them both and they got to know him too and show how much they loved him all the time. It’s something Sarah never got, and he knows that’s something he couldn’t understand.
He’s quiet as he waits for her to respond, and he closes his eyes at what she ays. It doesn’t sound teenager to him, not for a moment. Jeremy shifts until he’s lying beside her but over her so he’s looking down at her while she looks up..] …it shouldn’t have been. If he knew you, if he was any kind of father, it couldn’t have been. You are amazing.
(unsure)
[It’s okay, and someday she will, but she doesn’t have to right now. He spent so much time numb that he’ll never try to make someone else try to feel something before they’re ready to do it.
She does do good. Jeremy is card of her moving into the Tower, much as he figured she would, but she already does good and she’ll do more.]
If anyone could have a bunch of minions, it’d be you.
[Minions of the ghosts or anything else, but he’s smirking at her since obviously she wouldn’t have actual minions.
He breaks into a smile of his own that matches hers when she gives it to him, and Jeremy leans in to press a kiss against her lips. It’s the best Christmas gift for him, and he’l be happy to have her.]
Okay. [Jeremy says in agreement and then he looks sideways at her, shaking his head.]
You don’t have to thank me. All sorts of things go hand in hand with loving and knowing you.
LMAO that's what she saaaaaaaaaid
And since the night Elizabeth and Josef died, it honestly hasn't gotten anywhere near that bad, anywhere near that close of a call. He took care of her, went to lengths to get her address to check up on her even before they became as close as they did. And she'll never forget that, how he and Martha and Elena looked after her.
Without having that, if she'd have just stayed in this empty house by herself instead, she doesn't know what would've happened.
Doesn't really want to imagine it, either.
She's been able to pull through from that experience, and it's been in large part because of him, because of how he understands, doesn't judge or expect her to be someone she's not. ]
I know. I mean, I've had bad dreams of my own since... you know. Maybe it's something we can only finish dealing with subconsciously, while the rest of us moves on. I can't really be sure. [ Sarah smiles back at him, a hand over his heart. ] I will get back to you. We'll figure this out, Jeremy, if there's something to figure out.
[ Maybe it really is what he says. Just so much bad stuff happening his brain still needs to process. Maybe it's his being brought back twice and falling through the Rift so shortly after. There's no way to be sure but she won't leave him alone with it. The love she feels for him stems beyond the platonic but being his best friend always comes first to that.
Because even then she knew that he needed that more. The way she needed it more, too.
A friend. A constant. ]
Oh. Then never mind. [ She wrinkles her nose, but she grins a little when he laughs, since she likes hearing him laugh. Life can such a lot of the time--okay, most of the time--but they should get to laugh. ] Hey, you've been angry on my behalf plenty of times. Just consider this the tipping of the scales.
[ But she knows what he means, and she's not going to do anything impulsive or rash about it, will try very hard not to. She just can't help it, either.
And she looks up at him when he agrees it makes him angry also, and she steps forward again, small arms winding around his middle for a tight hug. She's seen firsthand the anger, what it can lead to, what it means for him, but she's still here, too. It's okay to be angry sometimes, she said to him once, unless it consumes.
She still needs her anger. ]
I've heard that, too. I've seen it but it never really gets easier. It doesn't always change you for worse, though. I've seen a lot of people become stronger, too. [ It comes at a very heavy price but she wants to believe not all the changes can lead down that road, doesn't want to think of any of them becoming someone they wouldn't recognize.
Becoming the monsters that sometimes win. ]
I did. I could give you lessons sometime. It's not always you're going to get a girl offering to teach you about big swords, Jeremy.
[ She is clearly still teasing, because she likes that fond smile on his face, the way he ducks his head sometimes, still capable of the emotion that leads to the gesture.
Sarah releases a breath, turning sideways to face him, a hand slipping to rest over his at her stomach. On the same vein, she couldn't understand exactly his kind of loss. To get to know his parents, to have that relationship with them, and then lose them. But a loss is a loss, and they don't have to experience the exact same things to be understanding, to not be alone with it.
She is still looking up, over at the collage, but once he blocks it from view, she's looking right up at him, and swallows. The words reach her, right in the chest, and she places her hands on either of his arms while he's above her. ]
c:
[ But they stay with her, the words, and she smiles at him, a little bit vulnerably, before she leans up to him to rest her mouth against his.
And maybe she will. Maybe it'll remain in that icy part of her that doesn't do anything but give to the coldness, or maybe it'll all come to a head. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise right now that she can't. She does know if anything does happen, she can come to him. She always seems to. ]
It is one of my many talents. Just don't go around telling anyone, least of all those that already live there. I would like the element of surprise.
[ Sarah levels a smirk right back at him, but it shifts quickly into a smile when he returns it so earnestly. She leans in when he does, hands framing either side of his face to kiss him back. When it ends, she remains close enough to rest her forehead against his, and it hits her. ]
I love you. Too. [ Her fingers gently trace his mouth after he's kissed her.
He'd said it before and in her concern over making sure Jeremy was okay, she hadn't stopped long enough to say it back. And she knows she doesn't need to do that, either, but she wants to, because it's true. Amidst many things she knows aren't real, aren't true, there's that one truth and she holds onto it. For as long as she can, for as long as she's allowed. ]
And I know I don't have to but I want to. Most of all, I'm just... grateful I get to stay.
jrkl;a LMFAO I should have known :x
She needed help at that time, and he’s glad that he didn’t wait around, that he went and broke into the school records to find her address. Somehow without knowing, he knew. Maybe it was just his habit of jumping to the worst conclusions, because the worst conclusions tended to be right. He knew that something had happened, and there was really nowhere else in Chicago that he should be.
He didn’t waste any time after that, and he found her on the street and then took her back to his home as soon as he could.
Jeremy still remembers what it was like to find her there. He’ll never forget. It’ll stay with him.]
Yeah, I know. I think it’s just something that happens maybe even after you’ve dealt with it. It’s your brains way of… processing everything while your body rests. I don’t really know either. [Jeremy admits though he smiles back at her, slipping his own hand over the hand of hers that rests against his heart.] Got it. You’re right. We will figure it out.
[If there’s anything to figure out. Either that or it will pop up when they all least expect it, the answers, the truth to whatever it is and whatever it means. There’s not a lot that they can do about it right now though when it’s just dream and this sometimes feeling of offness.
They won’t leave each other alone with anything, not through whatever comes ahead and there’s no way to tell now what will come ahead.
But a friend, a constant. There’s the something more, but that’s not what it’s all based on and that makes such a difference.
And he laughs gently at the nose wrinkling.] It’s cool. I mean I want you to be honest about it, but it doesn’t help much knowing you’re pissed even if there’s a whole lot to be pissed about. [An endless list, he smirks back at her after the laughter fades.] Yeah, that’s… true. I guess I can let you have a turn this time. I’m pretty generous sometimes.
[They can’t help their emotions, and Jeremy knows that very intimately. If they could, life would be a lot different. It wouldn’t be worth much at all if someone could turn off and on their feelings mechanically, whenever they wanted.
She has seen what becomes of him, the aftermath of his anger. It’s not pretty. It lead to him getting his ass kicked worse than he ever had before. If Alek hadn’t been with him, he would have come out of it needing a trip to the hospital.
But they’re both still here. Anger is necessary sometimes. It’s better than numbness. It keeps them on their feet. It keeps them fighting.]
I think I might have to take you up on those lessons. Yeah, I know. Very rare. Wouldn’t be good of me to like… squander it or something.
[There’s a small smile on his face, because he’s trying to sound like an adult might about an Opportunity Given though it does actually sound pretty awesome. He never really thought about fencing before, but it wasn’t really in the circles where he lived before. The Gilberts were well off, but they weren’t exactly high society either.
Jeremy looks at her, openly, and with fondness. They may not know what it is like to experience that specific kind of loss, but they are both so familiar with loss. Loss I a los, and there’s so much of it in this city.
He looks down at her as she looks up at him, seeing her swallow, seeing the words hit. Jeremy’s grateful that they do seem to hit, and he smirk at what she says, shaking his head.]
rkjl;a ;;
I don’t have to. I think we’ve talked about this too, Sarah. I’m your best friend so I know you best.
[It’s still her father, and he knows that the fact that she was so easily left by him will stay with her. It should, but he hopes his words do too, hopes they can combat those feelings that being abandoned may have left her with.
Jeremy leans down to capture her mouth with his own when she leans up. He smiles against her lips, one hand cupping the side of her face before she pulls back and he moves in turn to the side of her again.]
Don’t worry, Sarah. It’ll be a secret with me. I promise you that. Anyone else that wants to know about your many talents will have to learn about them for themselves.
[Jeremy smiles faintly, forehead resting against hers as he takes in a long breath that centers him, makes him feel more whole. He feels it too. It hits him too when she says those words back to him.
He’s known for a long time, but it’s something different being able to say the words, haring them in turn. Jeremy’d been so caught up in his own concern when she was making sure he was okay that he’d missed hearing it that first time himself.]
I’m…
I’m really, really grateful too. That's... kind of putting it lightly, but yeah. [he still remembers the strength of the fear that shot through him when he thought she’d have to move. His hand rests against her hand, and he links their fingers together.] C'mon, I'll help you pack. I brought my car so it'll be easier to transport anything you need.
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She won't be forgetting at all. Time has an inexplicable way of making things seem farther away and closer than ever before, both at the same time. Sarah wakes up every day, and she feels both closer and farther to that night than she ever did when it actually happened. It can feel like it happened just yesterday on some days and it can feel like it happened years ago on others.
It's still not something she is ever going to forget.
A big part of her unwillingness to bend to rules anymore, a big part of her ability to finally stand up to her father comes with knowing what they do, and the life that they took.
She vowed Elizabeth's death would not be in vain, and as long as she's alive, she is going to do everything within her power so that that remains true. ]
Wonderful! We can both be equally clueless together. [ The smile widens a little, before it softens back into a more serious expression, and she looks back down at their hands while they rest over his heart. There's the faint drumming of his heartbeat, a murmur against her palm, one more piece of evidence he is very much alive. It's the only guarantee that there's ever been, and ever will be.
There's the here and the now.
Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come, and in Chicago, you either learn to live your life that way or prepare yourself for the day it comes true. And it'll come true again and again and again. There won't come a day she won't invite death in. There won't come a day the reminder of loss doesn't smack her in the face.
But if she doesn't learn to live with it, she'll make herself lose what she does have, for what little time she can have it, because self-sabotage is something she excels in without knowing it. Then she would end up alone, and it'd be all her fault.
And maybe that's worse. ] I... know. I was mostly teasing. I know none of it is really going to help right now. [ She presses her lips together, glancing back out the window for a moment. There is something about being in this room that is both a sanctuary and terrible, and she has grown so accustomed to it, doesn't balk at dichotomy, having struggled with enough contradicting emotions to learn to grapple with them.
It's the one thing she really did like about this house. The view from her window. Do the rooms in the Towers even have windows? She hasn't checked, and even if they did, they wouldn't--it wouldn't look like this, and that's the most pointless thing to linger on but she does, she likes this view, she likes how the sky looks from her window.
What was her window. It was all once hers and now none of it is hers.
Nothing is really hers, and there's that adrift feeling she has to shove past again. ]
I wouldn't advise you to, no. Rest assured, Mr. Gilbert, I'll give you private lessons.
[ Sarah smiles back, knowing full well what he was trying to sound like, but she wouldn't have wanted him to be in those circles. They tend to be filled with snobby people focused on vanities. She doesn't want to generalize, is aware not everyone was like that, but it felt like a great deal of them were, and it was all so hollow and superficial, she couldn't stand it.
She would take being a homeless orphan over living the high society life Sherri and Brooke do any. Day. Of the week.
I'm your best friend so I know best.
There's laughter bubbling up her throat, quiet but earnest. ]
Okay. I won't argue. Not about this matter.
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Thank you, Jeremy. I appreciate this duplicity of yours. I hadn't seen that side of you but it's strangely appealing.
[ Her eyes close by their own volition when she feels his forehead rest against hers. Sarah rests her lips against the corner of his mouth and says it again. I love you. There is no way to stress enough just how little of a guarantee anything is with her, unless it's messy and mad and something of a wreck, but at least she can say with full honesty that has always been true, will always be true.
Sarah's eyes close, and she breathes, breathes, breathes, and finds herself centered, too.
Until he mentions transport, and her hand tightens in his for a moment, almost as if stopping him from moving. Panic lodges up her throat and there's a moment where she just wants to back away, back into a corner, not move, not do anything, but she knows she has to. There are times when you can't just stay as you are, and you have to move forward, take just what you need, and be on your way.
Sarah bites the insides of her cheeks. ] Okay. I don't--I don't have much left to pack.
[ Her grip on his fingers lessens but she stands from the bed, legs shaky, and somehow, she ends up placing the rest of her belongings in boxes until the room is empty.
It's empty, and she doesn't cry when she turns the light off and shuts the door and they leave the mansion, once and for all.
She's good at goodbyes. ]