You've said that before. [It's not an accusation, but it's not the first or second time he's apologized and said he's wanted to tell her something after she's found out, and he'd... have told her if he did.]
Us being friends doesn't mean you have to tell me everything, Jeremy.
I get it. I do.
Why are you asking me if I'm okay? I'm the one that should be asking you.
I was worried. I just found out that you died twice. It's not that it's weird. That's not the word. I don't know what the word is but that's not the word.
It'd be a really big adjustment for the one time but it happened twice, so that's. [BRAIN BREAKING FOR AN ANGEL OF DEATH .-.]
It's okay if it's weird. If it still feels weird. You're allowed to feel however you want to feel. I just want you to be okay, that's all.
I was worried that it'd be hard because of the type of angel you are. I didn't know if you
Okay. Thanks. I don't know. It's weird sometimes, but I'm happy to be here and I'm happy I'm alive. I'm okay, Sarah. It happened before I fell through the Rift, and other than the weird feelings sometimes, I'm okay.
I was talking about you. The big adjustment and how hard it would be to come back from that not only once, but twice.
I meant you.
I don't have to understand it, however it happened. Your world is different from my world. Even if it had happened here, I wouldn't have to understand it.
I'm happy you're alive too, and that's all I need to know.
The weird feeling, I don't know that I can help with it, but I'm here.
Oh. Yeah, it was. I don't know. There's always so much going on that there's not time to adjust, and the first time was easier I think because of how I came back.
I just didn't know like if it was weird for you because of your connection with death to just
that I even am
I'm alive.
Thank you. I know you are, and I know I can talk to you better than I can to anyone else.
[And Jeremy doesn't even respond at her answer, doesn't even wait for a moment, he gets into his car and he drives over to her house.
He knows that her father wouldn't be home if she asked him to come over so he doesn't bother knocking. Jeremy walks straight up to her room, knocking on the door of her room when he gets there.]
[The door to her room is already open. Sarah's sitting on the open window ledge, legs lightly swinging back and forth. Her wings are out. The wind makes the feathers furl. She helped someone die today, and death is still warm on her fingertips.] Hey.
[She twists in place to step back into the room, a helplessly small sad smile on her face.] The Rift strikes again.
[Jeremy walks in when he sees the open door, and he walks over to where she's sitting. Somehow he knows. Maybe it's from knowing her as well as he does, from seeing her walk out on the streets, and he knows and it hurts.
Because he realizes that it never stops. You can hope all you want, but it never stops and it's no guarantee] Hey...
[And he reaches for her hand, squeezing her hand and locking their fingers together, pulling her toward him] Yeah, it... did. [Jeremy doesn't even ask if she's okay, because he knows she's not.] But I'm not--
I'm here. [And he feels something tighten at his throat.] I'm alive, Sarah.
[She looks over at him, breath half-lodged in the cage of her chest, and it's almost twisted and cruel how easily, effortlessly she can picture it.
Picture Jeremy dying. Pain. Blood all over him, choked breath, silence before the light goes out. The light always goes out. No matter how brightly you burned before.]
I just--[She looks down at their hands, hers inhumanly colder than usual.] I don't...want to lose you.
[I'm alive, Sarah. Sarah lifts her gaze at that, quiet and heavy and frighteningly raw, but she listens.
And she doesn't say anything for a really long time.] I know. [Her arms slowly slip over his neck as she rises in tip toes to hug him.]
[Jeremy looks down at her, as if he can sense that breath lodged in her, as if he can sense how she's picturing it somehow. It would be easy for her. She's had so much experience firsthand with other people dying, with watching it, with helping them through.
He winces, and he keeps her hand in his own, squeezing tighter when she looks down at it. He can't make any promises, and it hurts. There's--
No part of him wants to become someone else to be a death for her, someone else that's dying]
I know. I don't want you to lose me. I'm not that easy to lose.
[Despite the dying twice, he came back both times. Death doesn't seem to be able to hold him.
And it hurts. It hurts so much to look at her expression as she looks up at him. Jeremy swallows thickly, concern in his face before he wraps his arms around her waist in turn, bringing her against his chest. Like that will stop the pain, stop the death, stop all of it.]
I am. [It's whispered like a promise against her hair.] I love you, and I'm here.
[Sarah squeezes his hand back, despite that irrational, lingering fear, despite being able to still feel the death at her fingertips, and it sometimes feels like it'll spread around to everything else, that it's all she knows how to do. It swirls around in her head. His entry. Dylan's. Jess'.
Her thumb gingerly traces the surface of his ring. She'd taken notice of it before. He'd said it protected him, she just hadn't yet understood the extent to which it could protect him, and she doesn't tear her gaze away from it until he speaks.
She wouldn't ask for that promise. Promises are easily broken and in the end, so are people. So are they.]
So you're... like a cat, is what you're saying?
[Nine lives and all. Because a morbid joke is what's needed here, obviously, and she's kind of morbid. She smirks softly at him, but it holds no real punch to it.
It's subdued, heavy like the rest of her. Sarah closes her eyes against his neck when she's brought in, tightening her hold around him. He's breathing. His heart's beating, she can feel it like a drum against her own chest, and the words stick to her skin. She breathes out almost shakily.] I can't imagine you... not being here.
[His having not come back those two times, despite the Calling forcing itself in, wired to believe it's not natural. She doens't care about what's natural. She draws back, not much, only enough to look at him, forehead resting against his. She touches the sides of his face lightly with her hands, and that helps, too.] And you're okay? Really okay?
[Jeremy keeps his hand in hers, sensing it, not sensing the death but sensing that it's all on her mind, lingering in her head still. He hates it, and he knows that her friend was going, going to possibly die and how hard that must be to see it all at once.
With everything else going on. He glances down at the ring when she traces it, and he closes his eyes. It saved his life when Damon snapped his neck.
He never takes it off and never will. Jeremy smirks at what she says, nodding in answer.]
Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. I've still got five more left.
[Jeremy doesn't mind the morbid jokes. Sometimes they're just necessary, and for people who experience death as often as they do, it helps. To joke. Even if it's not really funny at the end of the day, at the heart of the matter.
He lifts her up a little that's how tightly he holds on, and he has to move his arms to avoid her wings, but he lifts her up against his chest and presses his lips against the side of her face. And he smiles against her though it's pained.] I can't imagine it either.
[Because it feels like he should be wherever she is, no matter what. He really can't imagine another alternative even if he knows one day that other alternative will come. No matter what. No matter how much hope they have.
Someone has to die first.
Jeremy reaches his hand over her hand, and he nods.] Yeah, I'm okay. Really okay. [And because he doesn't really want to keep things from her, not when it's so easy to talk to her, not when he hasn't talked... really talked about any of it with anyone.]
The... first time... Damon killed me. That's why I try to tell you to be careful around him... when he gets emotional, he just reacts. He wanted to hurt my sister like he was hurting so he... broke my neck.
And the second time, I was shot. Just--
All those things that you say about death, what dying's like? It wasn't really like that for me. We didn't have angels of death where I'm from. It was cold, and I... was alone and in pain and terrified. ...you do good for people, Sarah. You do more than good for them.
[It messes her up sometimes. She doesn't have to say it. There's something about her not quite Sarah lingering afterward that's almost tangible, inside her head, something about how she stands, a stiffness in her back, in her shoulder blades, the coldness that's almost ice.
Her fingers where still ice when she flipped through the pages and saw his entry and Dylan's. She could've easily went over to Dylan, seen her in the eye, known if she was going to die or not but if she was, and she didn't.
She was cowardly again, and she didn't, and she can't let herself think about it now or it gets colder again.
The smirk curved on her lips softens into a smile, almost sad, almost reaching, but it's a smile as she jokes back.]
Five. That sounds shiny. We can go bungee jump now.
[She has to do that sometimes. If she let herself be heavy with it constantly, let herself linger in each and every death she's ever seen and felt and taken on, she could so easily drown in it. It used to hurt more. It used to be lonelier. It hurts less with him. It really does.
The wings slide in the tighter she holds on to him, once her feet lift from the ground, and it's a good thing. The coldness lessens, even in her fingertips, and she rests her forehead against his neck, hand sliding up his nape, feeling so much more like herself.
Like being pulled back from a brink.] Good. I don't want you to. I know how easily it can happen, but I don't want to imagine it.
[Sarah breathes out quietly, nodding against him when he affirms it, when he says he's okay. She places a soft, open mouthed kiss against the corner of his mouth, resting there.] Okay. [It's settling in. Slowly but surely.]
He what? [She can't quite keep the edge of anger or the horrified feeling out of her voice. Sarah isn't a judgmental person. She was just told by Dylan she would go kill someone, and Dylan is still her friend. She understands Callings and predatory natures, she has a nature to fight of her own, but it still--it's Jeremy.
Her hands are still around his neck, and she looks down at it, swallowing thickly past the feeling, fingers lightly touching the collarbone.]
I don't--[She holds her breath, trying to grapple with what he is saying to her, what he experienced, how he really does understand and she never realized it until now, just how much he could. It hurts to know no angel was there to do that for him.]
I... feel it. The cold. The... everything. So they won't, so that they go in peace. [That's why they exist. To take it away, to be a comfort, but the cold and the pain has to go somewhere. It's why they tend to die young.] I know--I think I know what it was like for you. Like a cold, empty room. I'm sorry you had to go there.
[No, she doesn't have to say it and Jeremy thinks it is understandable. Anyone that had to deal with what she does would be messed up by it sometimes. There's a huge difference between who she is when that death, when the angel is at the forefront of her mind and when she is Sarah. Sarah.
Jeremy would fight off that ice for her each and every time, but he knows. He knows from his reading that it's not that simple, and there are times when he wouldn't be able to fight it off.
He knows. He read that entry, and he knows she could have gone over to see it for certain, but she's here and it wasn't that long ago that she spoke to her friend. And he doesn't think it's cowardly while knowing why she would feel that way.
Jeremy smirks a little back, and his hand drifts to the corner of her mouth as if tracing that smirk.]
Very shiny. Long way to go before we have to worry. We can. I'd go with you.
[He really would despite the fact that they were joking.
Jeremy wouldn't let herself be heavy with it always. The joking helps. If he helps and he knows he does, he's there, right there with her until she can smirk again, smile again, as soft as it may be.
It's strange because he can feel the shift from ice cold to something warmer, to more like she feels on an ordinary day to him. He smiles at her and places his lips against her chin, gently, kissing.]
Okay, then together lets not ever imagine it, alright?
[Jeremy is aware that it's not that simple, not for her. He imagines what it'd be like to find her... dead, dying, more times than he can list. Those are the scary dreams. Those are the nightmares.
He smiles just before she place the kiss against the corner of his mouth, and he rests a hand on the back of her neck to bring her in again after she's said Okay and he kisses her, directly on the lips and smiles against them.
Jeremy winces. He knew that she'd react that way.]
They were having an argument in her room. He was... touching her and that's my sister. I overheard and waked in on it, and... he broke my neck. He used to be-- He's changed. [And he doesn't know how he believes and trusts that Damon won't kill him anymore. Jeremy knows now to avoid him when he's that emotional.
He knows what an emotional Damon will do. He's still capable of killing, but Jeremy does trust and believe that Damon's number one concern is protecting his sister. And that includes him.
His hands slip up over her hands as they rest against his neck, and he smiles at her in an attempt to be reassuring. Jeremy understands completely, and it's not until she says she feels it that tears actually burn in his eyes. It feels like he's been hit, like something sharp has slid into him and he looks down, the tears burning at his eyes.]
No. [It's said softly, and he looks up at her, shaking his head as he looks at her.] I'm sorry that you have to feel it every single time.
If my feeling it, going there means you have someone that understands, I'm... it makes me more okay with it. [It gives some point and purpose to both of his deaths, to his coming back from them too.]
[ Of course he would. He's Jeremy. He's compassionate and he's good, and there isn't anyone that understands like he does. He's not an angel of death like she is, and he understands it so well, and there's something painful at remembering why he'd understand the way he does, all he's lost.
It hurts to lose. Every time, it doesn't change. If Dylan dies, it'll hurt like it hurt with Elizabeth. There's a part of her that wants to fight it, that wants to refuse to accept the possibility, and there's the other side of her that understands. This is her choice, it's the only thing she can live with, and you have to let them go.
There always seems to be less of you once you do.
There is a quiet, subdued grin when his hand traces her mouth. ]
... You would?
[ She had been joking, hadn't meant to take it seriously, but the idea is strangely appealing. Letting one's self go, fall, without the bottom dropping out.
Sarah feels it, too. Almost instantly. She can tell when the angel quiets, when it retreats, and she takes another small breath, arms tightening their hold against his neck because it's all these things she loves that keep her human, that remind her she's alive when everything else is just death, it's losing, it's reminders that things always, always end and it's a hollow place.
Then she sees his face, and he smiles at her, or kisses her like he does now, and it's like inviting the warmth back in. She remembers she's alive. ]
I'll try not to. I'm getting better at it, I think.
[ It's spoken barely above a whisper. It's not that simple, no, and it's just as easy to imagine him dying, imagine him in the hollow place.
And so she holds on tighter. She kisses him fully when he brings her in again, does not hold back, does not think to.
And she remembers they're somewhere else. ]
That's... that's horrible. I believe you when you say he has, and I still plan being careful around him, but that just--[ She literally does not have words for it. It's even more amazing to her, Elena and Jeremy not only still talking to Damon but trusting him with what they do.
At the same time, it doesn't really surprise her. It's who they are. ] He didn't... he had nothing to do with the second time, did he?
[ Tears prick at her own eyes, and her hands slip up and down his neck, as if also reassuring. She doesn't want to picture it but she can, she can picture him dying because he did, and a tear finally slides down her cheek when he looks down, because it hadn't ever registered just how much he does. Understand.
And she laughs almost disbelievingly, brokenly, because of what he says, it is such a Jeremy thing to say, and she thinks she loves him a bit more. She shakes her head, blinking back the tears.] If it meant you didn't have to, you hadn't had to, I would want to. It's what I'm meant to do, even if it takes from me. I think if ... it means I can understand at least a little, I'm more okay with it, too.
[ It's not the same. He is not an angel built to come back from death, which explains the weirdness, but when put into that perspective, it's easier to understand, and she has felt the same. It's not exactly the same every time. It varies with every death, some are violent and fast and some are violent and long and some are peaceful and sweet but in Chicago those are rare. ] Because we end up... back here, and that's better for me.
[It's always been especially easy to understand with her, because she's always opened herself up to him and been honest with him. They haven't always shared every secret that they have, every thing that has ever happened to them, but they haven't needed to either.
That can be the hardest part sometimes. The hardest part can be letting go, knowing when to let go. Jeremy will fight for someone long after they say they don't want him anymore, they don't want him fighting.
If he loves someone, he'll keep fighting and he doesn't really know how to let go. Has he ever really done so? He's moved on. But letting go is something else entirely.
He admires anyone who is able to let go, because it's-- he never can. Elena can't either. It might be another Gilbert thing.
Jeremy smiles when he sees that grin, no matter how subdued it might be.]
Yeah, I would. I'd be happy to.
[He knows she was joking, but he really would love to go with her for all those reasons that she outlined. It'd be exhilarating to fall and to fall, to let go.
It's everything they love and everything that hurts and everything that makes them happy that makes them human. The angel doesn't have room for emotions, and he doesn't have to know that, doesn't have to be an angel to sense it from the differences he's seen in her. There's such a stark difference. She's more alive as herself, and when the angel is loud, she's hollow, empty, no emotion.
Jeremy always wants to remind her that she's alive, that she's loved, that she can be warm too.]
I know it's not easy so... all I can do is ask you to try. I'm glad you're getting better at it.
[Death surrounds her enough as it is without adding to that with her imagining that he's dying, but he knows why she wouldn't be able to help imagine it.
Jeremy tightens his hold on her, and he still has her lifted up above the floor. He's taller than her so it's possible, and it's not until he sets her down again that she kisses him so fully.
his hands slide up to her face, and he answers with an intense kiss of his own.]
Yeah, it was... bad. I knew you would be careful around him anyway, but it's... it can be horrible. With him. [Sometimes he doesn't really know how they did forgive him, how Elena did especially. Jeremy forgave him first. Somehow.
But it's who they are. If he hadn't come back, he doesn't think Elena would hae forgiven him.] ...not-- Not directly. He was sick, dying, hallucinating, and I found him. I was taking him somewhere safe, and the sheriff was aiming to shoot him. Damon saw and... ran, but I was behind him so. [So he was shot instead, and he hadn't really thought of how Damon was kind of responsible for both of his deaths even if the second wasn't his fault.
Jeremy sees the tears prick at her eyes, and he slips his hand down the back of her neck. He smiles a little at her, knowing she can picture it. When he looks back up at her, he slides his finger across the tear on her face. He understands, and he could never describe before how much he can and does.
He looks at her as she laughs in that disbelieving, broken sound of hers, and Jeremy swallows thickly, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers. His hand remains against the side of her face before he pulls back at what she says. And he smiles too though there's that burning in his eyes and in his chest at what she says.] See? We... bring a little more sense to each other's lives accidentally. That's... kind of cool.
[No, it's not the same, and Jeremy still wishes that he could take it away, take away the fact that she has to lose something every time whether she's meant to do it or not. She deserves so much more. She should be happy. She should have a long and happy life.
It's so hard to hope for it when they're hit with the reality of this.] I'm glad it's better for you. It's better for me that you... understand, that I have someone who understands it.
[There's a slight pause before he tugs her on to the empty bed now too, and he looks around at her room, in the midst of packing.] ...so your dad bailed?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Us being friends doesn't mean you have to tell me everything, Jeremy.
I get it. I do.
Why are you asking me if I'm okay? I'm the one that should be asking you.
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I know that too. I'm just saying that I've wanted to. It's just a weird subject to bring up.
Because you didn't seem like you were okay. I mean I don't know if it's weird for you or
I dream about it sometime. It feels weird sometimes but not lately.
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I was worried. I just found out that you died twice. It's not that it's weird. That's not the word. I don't know what the word is but that's not the word.
It'd be a really big adjustment for the one time but it happened twice, so that's. [BRAIN BREAKING FOR AN ANGEL OF DEATH .-.]
It's okay if it's weird. If it still feels weird. You're allowed to feel however you want to feel. I just want you to be okay, that's all.
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That's what I was worried about.
I was worried that it'd be hard because of the type of angel you are. I didn't know if you
Okay. Thanks. I don't know. It's weird sometimes, but I'm happy to be here and I'm happy I'm alive. I'm okay, Sarah. It happened before I fell through the Rift, and other than the weird feelings sometimes, I'm okay.
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I meant you.
I don't have to understand it, however it happened. Your world is different from my world. Even if it had happened here, I wouldn't have to understand it.
I'm happy you're alive too, and that's all I need to know.
The weird feeling, I don't know that I can help with it, but I'm here.
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I just didn't know like if it was weird for you because of your connection with death to just
that I even am
I'm alive.
Thank you. I know you are, and I know I can talk to you better than I can to anyone else.
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It's
I'd never heard of anything like that happening before but I would never feel weird about something like that.
I don't know how that would be possible.
You're welcome. Anytime. I mean that.
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I didn't think that you would feel weird about it. Just I know sometimes you feel things because of the angel that
I know. If there's anything I know, I know that, Sarah. It means more to me than you'll know.
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Your friend's entry too.
Just I don't know if you can see me now or you need space, but if you can come over, you should.
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You don't have to worry about me. I'm worried about you.
I'm fine.
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I know you, remember?
I'll always worry about you, but I'm okay. I'm not the one adjusting to everything all at once. Can I see you?
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I'm not really good company at the moment.
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When have I ever cared about that?
Where are you?
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[And her father's long gone by now.]
[action] >>
He knows that her father wouldn't be home if she asked him to come over so he doesn't bother knocking. Jeremy walks straight up to her room, knocking on the door of her room when he gets there.]
Sarah?
[action] XD
[She twists in place to step back into the room, a helplessly small sad smile on her face.] The Rift strikes again.
[action]
Because he realizes that it never stops. You can hope all you want, but it never stops and it's no guarantee] Hey...
[And he reaches for her hand, squeezing her hand and locking their fingers together, pulling her toward him] Yeah, it... did. [Jeremy doesn't even ask if she's okay, because he knows she's not.] But I'm not--
I'm here. [And he feels something tighten at his throat.] I'm alive, Sarah.
[action]
Picture Jeremy dying. Pain. Blood all over him, choked breath, silence before the light goes out. The light always goes out. No matter how brightly you burned before.]
I just--[She looks down at their hands, hers inhumanly colder than usual.] I don't...want to lose you.
[I'm alive, Sarah. Sarah lifts her gaze at that, quiet and heavy and frighteningly raw, but she listens.
And she doesn't say anything for a really long time.] I know. [Her arms slowly slip over his neck as she rises in tip toes to hug him.]
[action]
He winces, and he keeps her hand in his own, squeezing tighter when she looks down at it. He can't make any promises, and it hurts. There's--
No part of him wants to become someone else to be a death for her, someone else that's dying]
I know. I don't want you to lose me. I'm not that easy to lose.
[Despite the dying twice, he came back both times. Death doesn't seem to be able to hold him.
And it hurts. It hurts so much to look at her expression as she looks up at him. Jeremy swallows thickly, concern in his face before he wraps his arms around her waist in turn, bringing her against his chest. Like that will stop the pain, stop the death, stop all of it.]
I am. [It's whispered like a promise against her hair.] I love you, and I'm here.
[action]
Her thumb gingerly traces the surface of his ring. She'd taken notice of it before. He'd said it protected him, she just hadn't yet understood the extent to which it could protect him, and she doesn't tear her gaze away from it until he speaks.
She wouldn't ask for that promise. Promises are easily broken and in the end, so are people. So are they.]
So you're... like a cat, is what you're saying?
[Nine lives and all. Because a morbid joke is what's needed here, obviously, and she's kind of morbid. She smirks softly at him, but it holds no real punch to it.
It's subdued, heavy like the rest of her. Sarah closes her eyes against his neck when she's brought in, tightening her hold around him. He's breathing. His heart's beating, she can feel it like a drum against her own chest, and the words stick to her skin. She breathes out almost shakily.] I can't imagine you... not being here.
[His having not come back those two times, despite the Calling forcing itself in, wired to believe it's not natural. She doens't care about what's natural. She draws back, not much, only enough to look at him, forehead resting against his. She touches the sides of his face lightly with her hands, and that helps, too.] And you're okay? Really okay?
[action]
With everything else going on. He glances down at the ring when she traces it, and he closes his eyes. It saved his life when Damon snapped his neck.
He never takes it off and never will. Jeremy smirks at what she says, nodding in answer.]
Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. I've still got five more left.
[Jeremy doesn't mind the morbid jokes. Sometimes they're just necessary, and for people who experience death as often as they do, it helps. To joke. Even if it's not really funny at the end of the day, at the heart of the matter.
He lifts her up a little that's how tightly he holds on, and he has to move his arms to avoid her wings, but he lifts her up against his chest and presses his lips against the side of her face. And he smiles against her though it's pained.] I can't imagine it either.
[Because it feels like he should be wherever she is, no matter what. He really can't imagine another alternative even if he knows one day that other alternative will come. No matter what. No matter how much hope they have.
Someone has to die first.
Jeremy reaches his hand over her hand, and he nods.] Yeah, I'm okay. Really okay. [And because he doesn't really want to keep things from her, not when it's so easy to talk to her, not when he hasn't talked... really talked about any of it with anyone.]
The... first time... Damon killed me. That's why I try to tell you to be careful around him... when he gets emotional, he just reacts. He wanted to hurt my sister like he was hurting so he... broke my neck.
And the second time, I was shot. Just--
All those things that you say about death, what dying's like? It wasn't really like that for me. We didn't have angels of death where I'm from. It was cold, and I... was alone and in pain and terrified. ...you do good for people, Sarah. You do more than good for them.
[action]
Her fingers where still ice when she flipped through the pages and saw his entry and Dylan's. She could've easily went over to Dylan, seen her in the eye, known if she was going to die or not but if she was, and she didn't.
She was cowardly again, and she didn't, and she can't let herself think about it now or it gets colder again.
The smirk curved on her lips softens into a smile, almost sad, almost reaching, but it's a smile as she jokes back.]
Five. That sounds shiny. We can go bungee jump now.
[She has to do that sometimes. If she let herself be heavy with it constantly, let herself linger in each and every death she's ever seen and felt and taken on, she could so easily drown in it. It used to hurt more. It used to be lonelier. It hurts less with him. It really does.
The wings slide in the tighter she holds on to him, once her feet lift from the ground, and it's a good thing. The coldness lessens, even in her fingertips, and she rests her forehead against his neck, hand sliding up his nape, feeling so much more like herself.
Like being pulled back from a brink.] Good. I don't want you to. I know how easily it can happen, but I don't want to imagine it.
[Sarah breathes out quietly, nodding against him when he affirms it, when he says he's okay. She places a soft, open mouthed kiss against the corner of his mouth, resting there.] Okay. [It's settling in. Slowly but surely.]
He what? [She can't quite keep the edge of anger or the horrified feeling out of her voice. Sarah isn't a judgmental person. She was just told by Dylan she would go kill someone, and Dylan is still her friend. She understands Callings and predatory natures, she has a nature to fight of her own, but it still--it's Jeremy.
Her hands are still around his neck, and she looks down at it, swallowing thickly past the feeling, fingers lightly touching the collarbone.]
I don't--[She holds her breath, trying to grapple with what he is saying to her, what he experienced, how he really does understand and she never realized it until now, just how much he could. It hurts to know no angel was there to do that for him.]
I... feel it. The cold. The... everything. So they won't, so that they go in peace. [That's why they exist. To take it away, to be a comfort, but the cold and the pain has to go somewhere. It's why they tend to die young.] I know--I think I know what it was like for you. Like a cold, empty room. I'm sorry you had to go there.
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Jeremy would fight off that ice for her each and every time, but he knows. He knows from his reading that it's not that simple, and there are times when he wouldn't be able to fight it off.
He knows. He read that entry, and he knows she could have gone over to see it for certain, but she's here and it wasn't that long ago that she spoke to her friend. And he doesn't think it's cowardly while knowing why she would feel that way.
Jeremy smirks a little back, and his hand drifts to the corner of her mouth as if tracing that smirk.]
Very shiny. Long way to go before we have to worry. We can. I'd go with you.
[He really would despite the fact that they were joking.
Jeremy wouldn't let herself be heavy with it always. The joking helps. If he helps and he knows he does, he's there, right there with her until she can smirk again, smile again, as soft as it may be.
It's strange because he can feel the shift from ice cold to something warmer, to more like she feels on an ordinary day to him. He smiles at her and places his lips against her chin, gently, kissing.]
Okay, then together lets not ever imagine it, alright?
[Jeremy is aware that it's not that simple, not for her. He imagines what it'd be like to find her... dead, dying, more times than he can list. Those are the scary dreams. Those are the nightmares.
He smiles just before she place the kiss against the corner of his mouth, and he rests a hand on the back of her neck to bring her in again after she's said Okay and he kisses her, directly on the lips and smiles against them.
Jeremy winces. He knew that she'd react that way.]
They were having an argument in her room. He was... touching her and that's my sister. I overheard and waked in on it, and... he broke my neck. He used to be-- He's changed. [And he doesn't know how he believes and trusts that Damon won't kill him anymore. Jeremy knows now to avoid him when he's that emotional.
He knows what an emotional Damon will do. He's still capable of killing, but Jeremy does trust and believe that Damon's number one concern is protecting his sister. And that includes him.
His hands slip up over her hands as they rest against his neck, and he smiles at her in an attempt to be reassuring. Jeremy understands completely, and it's not until she says she feels it that tears actually burn in his eyes. It feels like he's been hit, like something sharp has slid into him and he looks down, the tears burning at his eyes.]
No. [It's said softly, and he looks up at her, shaking his head as he looks at her.] I'm sorry that you have to feel it every single time.
If my feeling it, going there means you have someone that understands, I'm... it makes me more okay with it. [It gives some point and purpose to both of his deaths, to his coming back from them too.]
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It hurts to lose. Every time, it doesn't change. If Dylan dies, it'll hurt like it hurt with Elizabeth. There's a part of her that wants to fight it, that wants to refuse to accept the possibility, and there's the other side of her that understands. This is her choice, it's the only thing she can live with, and you have to let them go.
There always seems to be less of you once you do.
There is a quiet, subdued grin when his hand traces her mouth. ]
... You would?
[ She had been joking, hadn't meant to take it seriously, but the idea is strangely appealing. Letting one's self go, fall, without the bottom dropping out.
Sarah feels it, too. Almost instantly. She can tell when the angel quiets, when it retreats, and she takes another small breath, arms tightening their hold against his neck because it's all these things she loves that keep her human, that remind her she's alive when everything else is just death, it's losing, it's reminders that things always, always end and it's a hollow place.
Then she sees his face, and he smiles at her, or kisses her like he does now, and it's like inviting the warmth back in. She remembers she's alive. ]
I'll try not to. I'm getting better at it, I think.
[ It's spoken barely above a whisper. It's not that simple, no, and it's just as easy to imagine him dying, imagine him in the hollow place.
And so she holds on tighter. She kisses him fully when he brings her in again, does not hold back, does not think to.
And she remembers they're somewhere else. ]
That's... that's horrible. I believe you when you say he has, and I still plan being careful around him, but that just--[ She literally does not have words for it. It's even more amazing to her, Elena and Jeremy not only still talking to Damon but trusting him with what they do.
At the same time, it doesn't really surprise her. It's who they are. ] He didn't... he had nothing to do with the second time, did he?
[ Tears prick at her own eyes, and her hands slip up and down his neck, as if also reassuring. She doesn't want to picture it but she can, she can picture him dying because he did, and a tear finally slides down her cheek when he looks down, because it hadn't ever registered just how much he does. Understand.
And she laughs almost disbelievingly, brokenly, because of what he says, it is such a Jeremy thing to say, and she thinks she loves him a bit more. She shakes her head, blinking back the tears.] If it meant you didn't have to, you hadn't had to, I would want to. It's what I'm meant to do, even if it takes from me. I think if ... it means I can understand at least a little, I'm more okay with it, too.
[ It's not the same. He is not an angel built to come back from death, which explains the weirdness, but when put into that perspective, it's easier to understand, and she has felt the same. It's not exactly the same every time. It varies with every death, some are violent and fast and some are violent and long and some are peaceful and sweet but in Chicago those are rare. ] Because we end up... back here, and that's better for me.
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That can be the hardest part sometimes. The hardest part can be letting go, knowing when to let go. Jeremy will fight for someone long after they say they don't want him anymore, they don't want him fighting.
If he loves someone, he'll keep fighting and he doesn't really know how to let go. Has he ever really done so? He's moved on. But letting go is something else entirely.
He admires anyone who is able to let go, because it's-- he never can. Elena can't either. It might be another Gilbert thing.
Jeremy smiles when he sees that grin, no matter how subdued it might be.]
Yeah, I would. I'd be happy to.
[He knows she was joking, but he really would love to go with her for all those reasons that she outlined. It'd be exhilarating to fall and to fall, to let go.
It's everything they love and everything that hurts and everything that makes them happy that makes them human. The angel doesn't have room for emotions, and he doesn't have to know that, doesn't have to be an angel to sense it from the differences he's seen in her. There's such a stark difference. She's more alive as herself, and when the angel is loud, she's hollow, empty, no emotion.
Jeremy always wants to remind her that she's alive, that she's loved, that she can be warm too.]
I know it's not easy so... all I can do is ask you to try. I'm glad you're getting better at it.
[Death surrounds her enough as it is without adding to that with her imagining that he's dying, but he knows why she wouldn't be able to help imagine it.
Jeremy tightens his hold on her, and he still has her lifted up above the floor. He's taller than her so it's possible, and it's not until he sets her down again that she kisses him so fully.
his hands slide up to her face, and he answers with an intense kiss of his own.]
Yeah, it was... bad. I knew you would be careful around him anyway, but it's... it can be horrible. With him. [Sometimes he doesn't really know how they did forgive him, how Elena did especially. Jeremy forgave him first. Somehow.
But it's who they are. If he hadn't come back, he doesn't think Elena would hae forgiven him.] ...not-- Not directly. He was sick, dying, hallucinating, and I found him. I was taking him somewhere safe, and the sheriff was aiming to shoot him. Damon saw and... ran, but I was behind him so. [So he was shot instead, and he hadn't really thought of how Damon was kind of responsible for both of his deaths even if the second wasn't his fault.
Jeremy sees the tears prick at her eyes, and he slips his hand down the back of her neck. He smiles a little at her, knowing she can picture it. When he looks back up at her, he slides his finger across the tear on her face. He understands, and he could never describe before how much he can and does.
He looks at her as she laughs in that disbelieving, broken sound of hers, and Jeremy swallows thickly, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers. His hand remains against the side of her face before he pulls back at what she says. And he smiles too though there's that burning in his eyes and in his chest at what she says.] See? We... bring a little more sense to each other's lives accidentally. That's... kind of cool.
[No, it's not the same, and Jeremy still wishes that he could take it away, take away the fact that she has to lose something every time whether she's meant to do it or not. She deserves so much more. She should be happy. She should have a long and happy life.
It's so hard to hope for it when they're hit with the reality of this.] I'm glad it's better for you. It's better for me that you... understand, that I have someone who understands it.
[There's a slight pause before he tugs her on to the empty bed now too, and he looks around at her room, in the midst of packing.] ...so your dad bailed?
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/kicks him into the sun >:O
[action] D: noooo /protects him from the sun :C
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/COUGH COUGH cough
asldkfja LMFAO /says nothing ;xxxxxxxxx
jrkle;aljr LMFAO he won't stop .-.
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LMAO that's what she saaaaaaaaaid
c:
jrkl;a LMFAO I should have known :x
rkjl;a ;;
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